2022: sad & not sad.
this newsletter is back… and I'm not sad about it.
Me rn to this newsletter/blog space…
That’s right, I’m back. This is back. For reasons aplenty. Mostly, I need/want this writing accountability/community. It’ll come out on Fridays now, like all good newsletters/round-ups. So… lfg…
In October, I was sad—crying—and my daughter Marcelline came over to me and asked, “Momma, you sad?” When I told her, yes, I was sad, she said to me, “Oh, I not sad.”
Weird flex, but okay. Brag about it! That’s when I realized my toddler only knew two emotions—sad and not sad. And that felt kinda right for this year. Listen, I’ve had bad years before. 2022 wasn’t bad, but it was sad… and not sad.
SAD
My mother got diagnosed with breast cancer in January.
Roe v Wade was overturned and women all over America (including myself) questioned our worth in the eyes of our neighbors.
Marcelline had seizures that scared the shit out of us.
My best friend’s father died suddenly.
My sister was in a horrible car accident.
Marcelline had allergic reactions aplenty. (is “aplenty” my new favorite word?? maybe!)
The lead singer of my all-time favorite band turned out to be a creep and the concert I was so looking forward to turned into a sad grieving period.
The morning after we flew to Texas to be together with my WHOLE family for the first time in seven years, my parents tested positive for Covid.
NOT SAD
We got to go to Mexico in January to see Spoon, Thundercat, Soccer Mommy, and a LOT of Wilco.
Marcie was ready for the all-inclusive resort. And while I am totally sold on this type of vacation for families now, I probably shouldn’t have had people constantly asking me if I’d like a (free) margarita at every turn right after finding out my mom had cancer. My baby girl turned two-years-old.
I took on KEXP’s Sound & Vision as host and senior producer whilst Emily Fox went and had a beautiful baby girl.
I published a piece about youth homelessness in Washington state that I’m super proud of. (which, yes, part of this story is really sad, but I’m still putting this in the “not sad” category.)
I pushed myself career-wise and got to meet so many rad artists along the way and make so many rad new friends.
I was sober for 100 consecutive days and then on the 109th day, I drank.
Through hard times, I connected deeper with my best friend. I connected deeper with my siblings. With my mother. With my husband. With my baby. I got to meet new babies and Marcelline got to meet so many incredible people in our life.
There were so many moments that were more than “not sad”… they were joy.
SO WHAT ABOUT 2023?
Who the fuck knows.
I am such a resolutions kind of gal, but oof, I dunno. I had so many goals for 2022 and the year went completely a different way. Maybe I’ll do Ins and Outs like Jordan Firstman… that may be the call.
I think this year has taken the expectations out of me. I was asking my best friend if I’m dead inside now and she told me that she thinks I’m trying to protect myself from pain. It’s true. I’m afraid to be more than “not sad” sometimes. And while there’s so much that I want in 2023, I’m a little scared to say it out loud or even admit it to myself.
But lord knows I’m still gonna do a 2023 vision board. She also probably knows I’m gonna do some tarot readings and meditating and intention-setting for it all. What this past year has taught me is invaluable—life is short and I have love/creativity that is still untapped. I’m ready for it to flow.
A Little Woo:
About 2023: I highly recommend Moon Omens for a 2023 horoscope. Of course it’s just based on your sun-sign, but if you can’t afford some time with a legit tarot reader or astrologer, this is the little woo I recommend. A couple lines for my year ahead…
“You’ll begin the year thinking about your values, what’s important to you, and what you need in life to truly get the most out of your time. For most of the year, you will have expansive, generous energy supporting you to do just that.”
Oh please be right. Also, Mercury is in retrograde right now, but with old love on the brain.
Five Times I Got Real Real in 2022:
Me On Disordered Eating… but with music!
Me On Drinking… but with music!
Me On Being Lonely… but with music!
Me On Walking Away from Religion… but with music!
On a Lighter Note… Me (and many other Seattleites) On Regrets.
Five Favorite Albums of 2022:
Little Simz: NO THANK YOU.
(wow, this video is everything. this is the music I needed this year… but it didn’t come out until December. I recommend the whole album, but “Broken” makes me cry in the first few bars.)
Beyoncé: Renaissance.
(I listened to this on repeat—especially through the hard times. it is incredible. we also talked about the album on one of the most popular episodes of Sound & Vision.)Lizzo: Special.
(Marcelline went to her first big concert this year… Lizzo. Marcie was born to the song “Soulmate” by Lizzo and it was so special watching and singing and dancing along to Lizzo with my baby girl in my arms. this is the self-love pep-talk I needed this year.)
a stranger behind us took this photo and then sent it to me. Sylvan Esso: No Rules Sandy.
(talking to Amelia and Nick this year was a true highlight for me. I needed this weirdness in my life.)ODESZA: The Last Goodbye.
(this band had THREE sold-out nights at Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle. I got to be at the first one. wow! and I got to talk to the guys from ODESZA about what that meant to them.)
Thanks for being here when I showed back up on your doorstep. I want to stop by more, if that’s okay. I promise I won’t talk about myself as much as I did this time… I just had to get it out and let you know where I’ve been this whole time.
xxo,
rachel.