40 Moments I Loved From My Week Turning 40.

truly it could've been so many more.

In almost chronological, to Seattle and back to Jackson, here are…

40 Moments I Loved From My Week Turning 40:

1. FAMILIAR FRIENDING: Getting into town just in time to make our friends’ twins’ second birthday party after being at the first and it just feeling so Seattle and so natural. Talking with a new friend there about writing.

2. THE DREAM: On the morning of Mother’s Day, I woke up holding my baby in Seattle, where she was born. She started laughing in her sleep, dreaming about something hilarious. I was so grateful.

3. I’VE MISSED YOU: Drinking a hundred lattes from any coffee shop we could get our hands on, especially our favorite neighborhood coffee shop.

4. PLAY BALL: When Marcelline got to run the bases after the Mariner’s game we went to.

5. HOMERUN FRIENDS: Later that night, watching Marcelline with three of her Seattle friends play baseball with a stick in our old backyard. Watching each of them hilariously have their own way of doing sports.

6. FINDING STARS: When I finally found a sea-star (starfish) after looking for so long at the Discovery Park Beach. It felt like everything was working out. I love finding sea-stars.

7. RUN BABY RUN: Listening to KEXP, hitting my favorite part of my favorite four-mile run, also in Discovery.

8. MY QUEEN: Marcelline sitting in the flowers with me, asking me to make her a flower crown.

9. WHERE THE MUSIC MATTERS: Listening to the best radio station in the world on terrestrial radio, visiting the station, and getting some needed hugs from some of the best people.

10. DREAM NEIGHBORS: Not knowing where Marcie was, only to find her in our old apartment, sitting playing a board game with Frances (her best friend’s mom), because her best friend was at school and Marcie just really loves Frances.

11. FULL MOON MAGIC: Talking with a mentor/friend about my Full Moon Tarot reading and feeling like I have my intuition back and also know why I went through hard times.

12. THOSE BABIES CAN DANCE: Recreating the photo/moment I met one of my best friends in real life and then watching three kiddos at our neighborhood Mexican restaurant put on a HILARIOUS show for us on the stage.

    

13. RANDOM (BUT NOT) RUN-INS: Getting pastries at our favorite bakery and having this whole random and affirming moment.

14. IT’S ABOUT THE PASTA: Evan made my favorite bolognese recipe (from our favorite Italian place in Seattle that is no more *sobs*) for dinner one night and it was so special and made me so happy.

15. LIKE A FEVER DREAM OF PERFECTION: Drinking copious amounts of wine and playing Celebrity with our old landlords on the porch. Laughing until we cried.

16. GOD I LOVE THIS BOOKSTORE: Finding a book I didn’t know (but already love) in Elliott Bay Books and then finding Marcelline reading a stack of books in the children’s area.

17. THE BEST SURPRISE: Sitting on the couch inside our AirBNB with Evan (knowing that Marcie was outside playing with her friend) and then hearing this little knock and the door open. I said, like I always say in this sing-song voice when Marcie comes home, “Hellllooooooooo?” Only to have MY MOTHER COME IN THE DOOR!!! She surprised me in Seattle!!! Best gift. Hugging my mom over and over and her telling me that she was just so happy and she hadn’t been this excited in years was the best gift.

18. MY JUMPERS: Hot tubbing with my Jumpers and our kiddos and just being all together. It felt so right to be in water with them.

19. A MODEST DAUGHTER: After the kids got out of the hot tub of the Jumpers, Marcelline came outside with both hands over her vagina to tell us she couldn’t find her clothes. I told her to go look downstairs and she said, “Okay” and carefully removed one hand to put it over her butt-crack so that she could turn around and walk away without “exposing” herself. It made me laugh so hard.

20. CRYSTAL MAGIC: At the Fremont Vintage Mall, a man (a customer) told Marcelline and me all about how he’s a crystal harvester who usually travels with Dead & Co. to sell his crystals and then he gave Marcelline a crystal.

21. THE SUN: Evan put down a dance floor at our AirBNB that’s mostly used for the annual Solstice Party. It has a huge sun painted on it. I was walking on it with Marcelline and she said to me, “Momma, you’re the sun. You’re shining your light on everyone.” (honestly, is this kid magic???)

22. SIFF OPENING NIGHT: I got to show off one of the most meaningful theaters in my life to my Momma. We got to watch this brilliant movie, sitting next to each other. (AND THEY PUT THE CAPTIONS ON LIKE MY ABSOLUTE DREAMMMM.) And even though my anxiety was getting pretty wild at the thought of hosting a huge 40th birthday party the next day, we all laughed together and got good food together and did Glam Cams together.

23. WHERE WE USED TO BE: We sent my mom home in a Lyft and went for a quick date (drink and steak tartar) at my favorite little wine bar. We used to come here for my birthday every year, so it felt appropriate and perfect. We took drinks of each other’s wine and I liked Evan’s better, so he just switched them without asking.

24. FANCY GODMOTHER MAGIC: Allison—one of my best friends in the world—travelled to Seattle for my birthday. She is also the godmother of Marcelline. (we call her the “fancy godmother” instead of “fairy godmother”, which Marcie is most familiar with.) Marcelline saw a LOT of people on this trip who love her and she still was a little shy with most everyone. As soon as she saw “Auntie Owl” (what she calls Auntie Al), she ran up and hugged her. Marcelline immediately wanted to be near Allison and it made my heart soar.

25. THEY KNOW ME: Evan had gotten me these perfect orange tulips earlier in our trip and when Allison showed up to Seattle, she came bearing the exact. same. tulips. I just so lovely to be known, ya know?

26. PERFECT GIFTS: On the morning of my 40th birthday, I laid in bed, drank a latte that had been delivered to me, and opened a couple gifts. I’ve been obsessed with the jewelry store Cat Bird for a while now, but have never owned anything from there. Evan gifted me this perfect necklace that features the Lily of the Valley, May’s flower. (later, in another perfect moment, my Mom and I talked about how in France, per tradition, you’re supposed to give someone you love a lily of the valley on May 1st.)

    
    The second gift I opened in bed was a bracelet from my best friend who lives in London. It was this Cat Bird bracelet, inscribed with something Lisa and I used to say to each other when we were Marcelline’s age. “Kissy Kiss.” It’s absolutely perfect.
    
    Note: I also got so many other perfect gifts from friends that I just can’t get over: vintage finds, candles that smell like the PNW, so many thoughtful books, fancy bottles of wine, beautiful glass pieces, this perfect pop-up book, five pounds of Sour Patch Kids, and nature Tarot cards. But honestly, it all was way more than I expected. I was just so excited to be in Seattle and see so many loves!! And/or just messages from loves!! (that I haven’t responded to, because I got overwhelmed by my phone.)

27. RUN-TO-JUMP TRIATHLON: During my time in Seattle, about once a week (in the summers), I would wake up so early, run six miles to the T-Dock, where I would meet my Jumper friends. Then we would all jump into the lake. (I would do a back-dive.) Then I would find myself a Jump Bike and bike home. I always treasured this time by myself: listening to KEXP, running over the bridge, running along the path I used to bike to my first (and still only) six-figure job, running up the hill past Seattle Times as I always thought about my first Op-Ed ever published in a legit newspaper, running past the hospital I had a miscarriage and then had a baby and also where Evan worked, running past the park we used to play volleyball once a week with our friends, running up the hill to crest and look at the water in a way that always felt spiritual.

    
    On my birthday, Evan said he would do a Run-To-Jump Triathlon with me. We each put in an AirPod and listened to KEXP while we ran the six miles. Throughout the run, Evan kept turning to me and saying, “This is so special. Thank you for sharing this with me.” Sharon Van Etten was doing an in-studio with Cheryl Waters and we were both in love with it. Cheryl interviewed her and I was just in awe with how great an interviewer Cheryl is and how incredible a human Sharon is. It made me remember and appreciate this beautiful conversation I had with Sharon in 2022. (later that day, I texted Evie: “remember Apparently?? we did that. it was so great.”)
    
    Evan and I turned down the road to finish at the T-Dock and our friend (fellow Jumper) Emily was on the dock, cheering us on like we were finishing a race. It was SO special. She was yelling, “Yay! 40! Happy Birthday! You did it!” We pumped our hands in the air like we were crossing a finish line. She gave us vitality shots and treats. We jumped in the water. I back-dove. It was freezing, but then the air felt warm and good.
    
    I am sorry, but I think the hardest I laughed the whole trip is when Evan said, “Okay, don’t look over here; I’m going to take my shorts off and put my joggers on.” Emily and I walked up the dock, while Evan bared his ass on the end of the T-Dock… which is kinda completely out there! His legs were so wet, that he couldn’t get his pants on and he was just completely mooning the whole shoreline. I watched as he struggled for like a whole minute with his ass just out, trying to get his pants on. Emily was politely turned away, looking at the shore, while I cracked up laughing and she asked, “He still hasn’t got it?” and I caught my breath from laughing to answer, “Not even close!”
    
    We found Jump Bikes and biked through the Arboretum to our old home. It was such a wonderful birthday triathlon… with the love of my life… after he finally got his pants on.

28. THE THUNDERSTORMS: My dad sent me this text on my birthday.

    

29. THIS BIRTHSTONE: Okay, the real real gift is something that I just can’t get over. My parents gave me this emerald ring on my birthday that was my grandmother’s setting and a stone they had put in it.

    

    this photo actually does it no justice. its’ gorgeous and HUGE and so sparkly!

30. MY GOD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CELEBRITY BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER: I ran into a neighbor on my birthday and she said, “Sometimes I’ll ask our other neighbor, ‘Have you read Rachel’s column this week?’ and try to say something about it and she’ll be like, ‘Yep! I already read it!’” And that made me fell like seriously a million bucks.

31. THIS IS 40: There were AT LEAST 40 magic moments that happened during my 40th Birthday Disco Garden Party. 40 people showing up in spec-tacular outfits. 40 conversations that made me laugh so hard or made my heart sing. 40 hugs. 40 photo booth strips that made me so happy. 40 (or thereabout) people who told me that the Malidews I had on the menu (a drink I made up at age 21: Mountain Dew + Malibu rum) were actually delicious. It was so great and so perfect and I feel lucky enough that 40 people came to celebrate this life I’ve filled them up with.

    

32. ONE SONG DANCE PARTY: Evan and I threw myself a blow-out party where I had some of the best DJs in the world played (Evie, Marco, and Atticus), but no one danced. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. (I blame Seattle, but I guess it was my party and I could’ve insisted like a goddamn queen that we all danced the whole time and didn’t do that.) But my daughter and her BFF were let out of the house and freed on the dance floor for one song and it was Pink Pony Club and it was just amazing. They gave us a great performance.

33. LAUGHING AND CHATTING: A birthday party—your own, especially—is such a funny place to catch up with 30 friends, but that’s what happened. At one point, I was laughing so hard at a friend’s story that I doubled-over. I missed this community and I felt so lucky in that moment.

34. TRUTH TAROT READINGS: Megan gave me a Tarot reading where she told me that I’m focusing on home now and that’s beautiful. That in six months or so, things will be different, but that I need to rest now and be with my beautiful little family. And that I HAVE to stop with the “I just wish I would’ve nailed it” mindset. It hit SO hard. The reading she gave me was beautiful and freeing. Tyler gave me a reading that echoed everything from Megan’s. At the end of my reading with him, I drew an animal card—The Moth. I loved the look of the card—it matched my dress! And holy shit, listen to how accurate this is:

    

35. THE BACK IS SO GOOD: At the very end of the night on my birthday (like 2am), it was just a few people left. In the house, Allison insisted that we take photos of the back of my gown. I hadn’t even thought of that! I gladly obliged and when I saw the photos, I said, “Oh my god, it looks great back there! Thank you!” This was 40. This is 40. I like it. Looking at the back is beautiful. I knew I loved looking forward and will continue to do so, but it’s great back there, too.

    

36. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL DRAG QUEENS: At Drag Brunch the morning after my birthday, Janelle Monae, Beyoncé, and Selena numbers gave me LIFE. Seeing drag with my mom was the BEST. I was just so happy.

37. KENNY IN THE RAIN: Allison, Evan, and I rode the bus to see Kendrick Lamar and SZA at Lumen Field. It was pouring. We all lamented about how much we had spent (my fault) to stand in the freezing rain. Allison decided she would find a poncho, because her jeans were already SOAKED. Almost 61,000 people attended that concert, so of course EVERYWHERE was sold out of ponchos. I’m not gonna lie to y’all: my spirits were down. We got in. We got dry-ish. I got myself a canned margarita. We decided to get [BELOVED RESTAURANT NAME REDACTED] for food and when we ordered, I asked the woman, “And I will pay you if you can get me two trash bags.” She was confused, but said, “Let me ask my manager.” She was gone forever and I thought it was a lost cause, but she came back and said, “You cannot tell anyone I did this” and slid trash bags across the counter. We beamed, ate our food, drank our drinks, and went to the floor just as Kenny was starting and Allison was putting on her trash bags. Everyone immediately was better. Alright. I was just so happy—beaming.
    
    We danced hard. We laughed hard. We moved up to WAY close on the floor and I just fell in love with the artist who is Kendrick Lamar more and more. (don’t get me wrong: SZA was incredible and ethereal and perfect, but there was something just POWERFUL and hopeful about Kenny’s sets for me.) People were just so happy: Dancing better than I’ve ever seen before at ANY show. Smiling ear-to-ear, turning to us, asking, “How did we get so lucky??”
    
    The rain was coming down, but that didn’t stop Kendrick or his dancers, and it actually didn’t seem to affect me or my friends or any single person in the crowd. It was just incredible. This song came on and I thought I was gonna cry. I sang at the top of my lungs and put my arms up: We gon’ be alright.

38. WINE & HACKS: After Kenny, Evan passed out and I poured myself a hefty glass of wine and watched the latest two episodes of Hacks and just smiled. It was so late, but I didn’t care. I loved drinking some of my favorite wine, laughing every so often either at the show or remembering the laughs we had on the bus ride home. I loved this time with myself.

39. HOME: Our last morning in Seattle, I heard Marcie wake up and say to herself, “Last day in Seattle.” It made my heart hurt a little bit, knowing that she loves Seattle so much and would be sad leaving. I thought I, too, would be devastated to leave, but a few days prior, I had realized something revolutionary: I was excited to go home to Jackson. I had really feared that I would come to Seattle and think, “We made a huge mistake… We should’ve never left Seattle… I don’t want to go back to Jackson.” And the beginning of the trip might have had some of that coded into it, BUT, I love Jackson. I love living here. I missed our home and our community and our family when we were in Seattle. Maybe leaving Seattle was a “mistake” for our careers, but it wasn’t a mistake for our hearts. During this trip to Seattle, I realized I was complaining a lot about “failure” for someone who is constantly trying to grow and knows that trying and failing and learning from it is a sure-fire way to grow. I love Seattle. We love Seattle. Marcie was sad to leave Seattle, but is happy being home in Jackson. We might move back to Seattle someday, but today, I’m glad we live in Jackson.

40. TRIO WITH THE TRIO x4 AND THE RILO KILEY OF IT ALL: When I lived in Jackson in my early 20s, for special occasions (like my birthday), I’d go to Trio with two other friends. We called it “Trio with the trio.” Last night, for the season closer of RACHELPALOOZA, I went to Trio with friends before we went to the Rilo Kiley concert. All-in-all, there were 13 of us at dinner and 12 of us at the concert. It was the witches plus Evan. I just felt SO LOVED. Dinner was delicious and at the concert I sang along to songs that defined my college years before I truly knew what love was, but already knew was heartbreak felt like. At the end of the night, I wanted a clove cigarette, but only symbolically. Instead, I settled for 12 hugs, a nightcap with Evan at home, and a wish to sleep for three weeks straight to recover from the perfection that was all nine days of RACHELPALOOZA.

It feels good to be 40. Not in my back or in my skin or anything, but in my soul. In the fingertips that write my truth and the smile-lines that cares so much less about anything else beyond the 40 (and counting) joys that make each week worth it. To the next 40 years! Cheers!