A VERY MESSY GIFT GUIDE!

warning: there are boobies in here.

IT’S GIVING GIFT-GIVING SEASON. And—listen—I have no right to be out here buying extravagant gifts for anyone this year. This list-serve is basically all my dear friends and family (and if you weren’t already, YOU ARE NOW), so you should know that I cannot gift like Oprah this year. It’s just not in the cards (aka my bank account). But that doesn’t mean I can’t shout from the rooftops all the things I love and all the things I want. I know consumerism is horrible, but I can’t help it. I love things.

So no personal essay that will make you shake your head in shame for me today… not today! Today, you get the…

2023 MESSY GIFT GUIDE

MY TRIED AND TRUES

• ANYTHING FROM HAPTIC LAB.

  The jacket I get complimented on ALL THE TIME is from Haptic Lab. They don’t have the exact jacket I got, but they are having a killer sale and love everything they make. (we have the constellation quilt, the Puget Sound quilt, and a discontinued Seattle baby quilt… I got them all on major sale, lest you think I’m rich. but I LOVE them.)

• THE OVE GLOVE.
  Trust me. It’s awesome.

• FIRE RED ACCESSORIES.
  I’ve given or pushed Olive & June upon all of my lady friends. I wear this red color on my nails every day. And now I’m wearing red lips (color: feed the flame) almost every day, because WHY NOT.

• THE WORLD’S BEST WALL CALENDAR.
  Different beautiful iterations of this calendar have lived on our wall for five (six?) years now. I love it and it makes my heart so happy every day.

• RIDICULOUS SLIPPERS.
  A friend bought me these a few years ago and I have worn them every single day since. They are so comfy and make my laziest days feel kinda fancy. I think my next pair (because these are close to being worn completely out) will be this color.

• A TUMBLER TO FEEL LIKE A TRUE TEXAS MOM.
  Evan got me this because he didn’t like that I was drinking my iced coffees out of a reusable plastic cup. So he bought me this for iced coffees. IT’S 40 OUNCES!! lolololol. So I use it for ice water and seltzer and honestly I’ve never been more hydrated. I will fit in so well now during my Texas visits.

• A SPIRITUAL READING.
  I love connecting with myself and the Universe in this way. Doing it with beautiful people is such a special experience. May I recommend either my friend Tyler or my friend Megan?

• BOOKS!
  – This book made me laugh out loud SO hard.
  – This one was my favorite novel of the year.
  – Wow, this book was so powerful.

  – I gift this book to so many people—such a great crowd-pleaser.
  – The humor and vulnerability of this book is what I constantly strive for.
  – And I haven’t read this one (or even pre-ordered it yet), but I have watched hundreds of Vanderpump Rules episodes this year, so I feel like I want to get it.

MY WANTS

• THESE CANDLES OR THESE CANDLES.
  I just read David Sedaris’ Commencement Speech from Oberlin (watch there) and he ruined my life by saying these candles are the only candles worth buying and now I need/want them. Because I’m always trying to be good enough for David Sedaris.

• A PUZZLE.
  Listen: I absolutely love puzzling. It’s so therapeutic. But if I came home myself with a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle and was like, “I’m gonna use one of our two usable spaces for a couple weeks to do this puzzle!” my husband would be like, “Go fuck yourself.”* BUT, LOOPHOLE: If someone gifts me a puzzle, I’m golden. I love almost every one of Piecework puzzles, but I’m also real into this one and this one and okay last one this one from The New Yorker.

• SOCKS, BECAUSE I’M OLD.
  I remember when getting socks for Christmas was the worst thing I could’ve imagined. But truly, I’m so excited about socks now. These or these are my faves.

• HIGH-TOP SNEAKERS.

  Evan is reading this right now saying, “YOU DON’T NEED ANYMORE SHOES.” But, c’mon. Don’t I? These are so rad!

• OVERALLS FOR ALL.
  A pregnant friend was wearing these in February and I thought, “Damn, I want that coziness.” Pay no mention to the fact that she was pregnant and had given up on fashion… this is my #fashiongoalz.

• A TENNIS BAG.

  I know pickleball is all the rage now, but I’m back in love with tennis and wanna keep playing a ton. I played last night (it was FREEZING, but fun… also, I won the championship game for my league! also, I am so so sore today) and the woman I played showed up with a legit tennis bag and I was jealous.

*I know this seems out of character for Evan, but he would actually say this. BECAUSE a month after we started dating, we went on a climbing trip to Red Rocks and then spent a night in Vegas for Evan’s 26th birthday. We went out on the town and tried to get into a club, but they wouldn’t let Evan in, because he was wearing flip-flops. Women could wear open-toed shoes, but men couldn’t. I was wearing Toms. We were just tipsy enough to think it was a really good idea to go around the corning and switch shoes and then come back and try to get in. The bouncer took one look at us and our shoes and said, “Go fuck yourself.” 🤣

REAL QUICK: TELL ME IF I NEED THESE

• MOUTH TAPE.
  I absolutely sleep with my mouth open. Every night. Is that really bad?? DO I NEED TO BE SLEEPING WITH MY MOUTH SHUT??

• MIRACLE BALM.
  Instagram really wants me to get this makeup. And I cannot figure out if I need/want it. Is it that great? Does anyone reading use it?? Tell me what to do!

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS

When all else fails, go to a record shop. A bookstore. The theatre. A local drag show. A movie. Play cards. Write a poem. Tell them you love them. You’re so happy your paths crossed in this random existence where our souls are so deep, but our bodies so fragile. Play them the new André 3000 album and eat their favorite food with them. Commune. Toast. Ask them the adventures they want to go on and what their dreams are. Do they have a film camera? They don’t? Get them one. Even just a disposable camera. Because holding on to the photos you took in a moment and then didn’t stare at on your phone screen immediately afterwards is special. It’s beautiful. When all else fails, you have these wildly imperfect memories of the adventures you went on when you trusted the Universe and fell in love with the world and the people in it all over again.

Okay, now there’s gonna be a titty photo. I’m warning you. And I guess I’m sorry? No! I’m not sorry. I swam topless a lot in France and I gained a little weight and so this photo isn’t flattering or sexy, but there are titties and there is pure pure joy. We got this back from our rolls of film and it made me so happy.

I love it so much. I love Marcelline so much. And one of my resolutions this year was literally to “Love my body. Love myself. So Marcelline never doubts how amazing our bodies are.”

It also makes me think about this hilarious bit (it’s audio only):

And if you’ve made it this far and the nipples didn’t scare you off, then maybe the gift you really want to give someone is the gift of supporting a writer out here just trying to make your Tuesdays brighter. Gift them a paid subscription to The Messayist! They’ll get a rad tote bag!

Happy holidays, y’all. I am so damn grateful for this community—for you. Be kind to yourself this holiday season. I mean, you’re freaking amazing!

xxo,
Rachel.