a worse hell, gemini szn, + a perfect playlist.

busy, happy, + tired.

Not yesterday, Satan.

You may have noticed it’s not Tuesday. It’s not yesterday. It’s barely even Wednesday. Wait, it’s not Wednesday anymore. The wheels may be falling off a little bit. I may have too many balls in the air. It may be time for a break, so that I don’t break. (spoiler: it is time for a break. TBD on how long.)

Last week, I had a big review of a big chunk of my book. It’s a collection of essays that is basically a memoir. It’s a long hard journey, but I think it will be worth it to get it out there. After the workshopping of my book, I went out with two of my friends from writing class that I have truly started leaning upon. It was so nice to catch up and to download everything that’s going on in our lives and how my review went. At the end of the night, I ordered a Lyft to drive me home. It was a Tesla—my first ride in a Tesla!

When I slid into the backseat, I was exhausted, but happy. The driver asked me how my night was going and I said, “Great. I am writing a book and I had a review of it tonight with my class and I think it went really well.”

He asked what it was about and I told him. I told him it was a memoir about my life growing up and how I used humor and Christianity to basically deal with any obstacle that came my way. He glommed onto the “Christianity” aspect of it and prodded me more about that. Before I realized what was happening, I was getting proselytized towards. He kept telling me, “It’s not too late for your soul, Rachel. It’s not too late.” But the hardest part about it all was, I WAS THIS DUDE. Or I had once been. Unfortunately, I had been the person pushing Jesus on strangers at one point in my life. When I told him that I had been the same person he had at one point, he told me that I was going to a “worse hell” because of it.

A worse hell.

I would be lying if I told you it didn’t shake me. Not in the way that I truly think I’m going to a worse hell, but maybe in the way that I don’t like people thinking that I’m doing something wrong. Or maybe in the way that I hate that I know where he’s coming from. Or maybe in the way that I fear so many of my loved ones (maybe even you) agree with him. And that maybe they (you?) think I’m betraying my family—my daughter—because I’m not on the right path.

But, quickly, I was not shaken. I am not shaken. I am busy and happy and filled with more love and grace for others in my life more than I ever ever have been. And I think that sounds braggy. I lost a large amount of subscribers last week and I think it was because…