big in New York.

I feel it.

Evan once told me, “I think you like being a big fish in a small pond.” And—at the time—I agreed with him. I loved walking around the downtown of Missoula, Montana with two films in the film festival. I loved the see-and-be-seen art scene of small mountain towns. But now, I can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done in a big pond… in a lake maybe… what would’ve happened if I had been thrown into the deep end of the ocean? How big of a fish could I have been?

Monday night, I got back from a long weekend in New York City with my friend Allison and oh. my. god. was it the most fun. Being there with one of my closest friends at this time of year was just perfect. It felt like any time Allison and I talked about anything, it would just appear. We talked about my favorite (and most life-ruining) book and then we walked into a rare book store and they had a signed first edition.

Every restaurant we just tried to walk into, we got sat almost immediately. We would talk about a song and then it would play in a place we were in. We talked about Everything Everywhere All At Once and two blocks later we passed a table selling an Everything Everywhere All At Once screenplay. Everything felt right. And you know what? Walking around the streets of New York, I felt big. Not in the way where I was sometimes surrounded by actual supermodels, but in the way that I felt seen. There were so many kind and funny and beautiful interactions with the people of New York that felt so genuine and kismet and real. (also, Seattle, don’t get mad at me, but I think New Yorkers are nicer!)

Our first day in the city, Allison and I went to John Derian to ogle at all their incredible ornaments and their incredibly stylish employees. As we were checking out, this song was playing.

A very hip employee came behind the counter and said, “This song just puts me in such a holiday mood, but I don’t have any idea who sings it.”

I couldn’t help myself. Loud enough for him (and everyone else) to hear, I said, “It’s Macklemore.”

He paused. Then said, “No, it’s not. That guy doesn’t have more than one song.”

“Yes it is and yes he does. I just want you to know in your heart how much you love Macklemore.”

People giggled. Including the guy checking me out. (at the cash-register! Not like checking me ouuuuut.) At the very end of the song, Macklemore’s daughter says, “It’s Christmas time!” and I announced to the whole store, “That’s his daughter.”

Allison died of embarrassment and said, “Why?”

“I can’t help myself! I’m from Seattle! I’ve met him!”

The guy checking me out asked, “Do you know about KEXP?”

“Yeah! I used to work there!”

“That’s so cool. I love that station. Who’s that rocker lady with the red hair?”

“Cheryl Waters.”

“Yes! Cheryl Waters. I love her. She’s introduced me to so much new music.”

“I literally had lunch with her yesterday. She’s rad.”

He packed up my glass ornaments (that somehow made it safely home) and then gave me a John Derian tote bag and said, “This is for you.” My heart! Lord knows I love a good tote bag. And the kindness! A gift! Love.

We went to New York to see LCD Soundsystem at the Knockdown Center. Allison was very skeptical about going to Queens, but after a speedy train ride and a lovely walk through some perfectly tacky Queens Christmas decorations, she was sold on this experience. The venue was so. cool.

When we got in, I went to the bar and ordered myself a mezcal soda and Allison a vodka soda. As I told the bartender to hold onto the card, he told me back, “You can get drinks at any of the bars here on this card, but when you want to closeout, come back to me.”

The show was in-credible. First of all, Nation of Language opened and they were spectacular. (all the New York feels.) And when LCD came on, it was pure magic. Everyone sang along and we danced our asses off. I was so sweaty and dancey and didn’t even care. When “All My Friends” came to the last beautiful chorus, Allison and I held hands and danced and screamed the lyrics and it was one of those moments during live music and friendship that feels like it was always meant to be because somehow the Universe loves you more than you expected.

When the show was over, the after-party commenced. Allison and I did a lap and decided we should hightail it to Rintintin for the dinner we hadn’t had yet. (we got right in and had the perfect little table and split delicious pasta and a burger and a bottle of wine and ate at 1am and it was perfect.)

I went back to my original bartender to close out my tab, but wasn’t confident about getting it done in a timely manner, because the bar was slammed. The bartender saw me, stopped what he was doing, grabbed my card and gave me my bill while simultaneously setting up two shot glasses and pouring us each a shot of mezcal. The leaning line of people across the bar looked at me, like wait, is she famous or something? why is this happening? The bartender and I made eye contact, we said “cheers!” in sync, tapped our plastic cups on the bar top, and took our shot.

“Thank you so much,” I said as I placed my hand deep on my chest.

“My pleasure. You have a great night.”

When I tell you I have never felt cooler in my ENTIRE LIFE. I have no idea why this guy bought me a shot. My less confident self wants to feel like he thought he knew me, but the Rachel who feels big in New York knows that it was just something special.

I felt big in New York and I’m taking that energy with me into the rest of the December and the year of 2024. It’s everything. It’s how I want to feel. How I want my daughter to feel. How I want my husband to feel. How I want you to feel. Wherever you want to be big, I hope beyond hope you feel it. You’re big. Swim into it, because this foggy pond actually leads to a crystal clear ocean filled with beauty and adventures and you’re a fucking cool, big fish.

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A Little Woo:

New Moon, New Feels: The last new moon of 2023 happened today (or likely yesterday… pull it together, Rachel!… HAY. I told you I was a mess.) and it’s all about living authentically and leaning into YOU—whoever you are. This part of this article really felt like they knew about the trip I just had:

Sagittarius reminds us that learning happens as we go, as we shape and reshape our relationship with our inner selves and with the journey itself. This New Moon in the sign of the Centaur invites us to see life as an ongoing adventure and to acknowledge the wisdom that emerges thanks to the experiences we have along the way.

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Quick Hits, New York Edition:

• Jam of the Week: LCD Soundsystem – Someone Great.

  (this is the NYC edition. and I’m from Austin. so yes, this is a video from five years ago, but this beautiful song at ACL deserves you knowing about it. this song has helped so many people go through hard times and I think this is one of the best live recordings of it ever.)

• Okay, But This Beautiful Performance WAS Recorded In New York.
  (I love her. I love this art.)

• Best Restaurant I Ate At.

  (will pay good money for their insalate e acciughe, if anyone has it. best salad I’ve had in my life. they also had the best cacio e pepe I’ve ever had in my life.)

• Best Bar I Drank At.
  (best hot dog I’ve had in my life. don’t get me wrong, the cocktails were great, but I wish I would’ve had two more Hanoi Dogs.)

• Favorite Shop I Could’ve Spent 12 Hours In.
  (I am such a slut for vintage clothing.)

• Love This Shop.
  (also, if you haven’t figured out this newsletter is just a poor man’s Cup of Jo yet, I hate to break it to you.)

• We Ate Here Every Morning.

  (well, until the last morning when Allison reminded me that Zabar’s exists. pro tip: they send overnight gift baskets to all the people you love more than anything.)

• I Thought A Lot About This Book Walking Around NY.
  (10/10 recommend.)

• Allison And I Kept An Ongoing Conversation About Where People’s Pants Met Their Shoes.

  

  we think this is the correct length/meet.

  (I KNOW I’ve seen a meme that’s like,
  
  “how cool I feel:
  jacket I’m wearing: not that high of a bar on the graph.
  pants I’m wearing: not that high of a bar on the graph.
  shoes I’m wearing: not that high of a bar on the graph.
  where my pants meet my shoes: bar off the charts of the graph.”
  
  and now I can’t find it ANYWHERE. did I dream this?? can you find it? it’s the truthiest fashion truth I know right now.)

• VERY EXCITING TV NEWS.
  (Girls is one of the main shows I think about when I think about New York. Miss Maisel now, too. and Sex & the City. I wish I thought of Seinfeld more.)

• I Love This Subway Take.
  (SJP for president.)

The New York inspiration could go on forever. FOR-EV-ERRRRR. I even walked by the office of the literary agent I want to sign me and gave the area some good juju from me… like an actual stalker/psychopath. But I was just feeling it. Feeling the vibes of it all. All the art. All the food. All the writers. All the music. I felt a part of it all. I hope you feel a part of it all, whatever you want to be a part of.

xxo,
rachel.