don't rob me.
starting the year pointing fingers at myself.
When I was in early adulthood, I worked at this horny little Christian camp on the Frio River in Texas for a couple Summers. (not horny enough for me to ever see any action there, tho. but I think that’s because of my theory* that people are only attracted to people with the same amount of money as them… and everyone who went/worked there was rich AF and I was… not.) It it a gorgeous part of Texas and I love loved being there. Some mornings, I would do what I called a “Rachel Triathlon”, which consisted of running to the river, kayaking upstream, turning around and kayaking back, and then doing 50 sit-ups.
One morning, I ran down, hopped in a kayak and took off for the second leg of my adventure. This morning, kayaking felt so much harder than it had before. I was sure I was just tired. I felt like I was barely moving forward with each stroke… why was this so hard??
People on the water’s edge waved and looked at me quizzically as I paddled by. I finally decided to turn around and look behind me. There was a canoe that had gotten clipped to kayak. I was hauling this canoe behind my kayak… like some idiot who was training for Church camp’s upcoming kayak races or something. (not a thing. that is not what I was doing… just to be clear.)
I keep thinking about that morning—that kayak/canoe situation—at the beginning of this year. I know I’m technically moving forward, but it hardly feels like it these days. And I don’t know why it feels so hard.
I am usually a huge resolution person, but I’ve been struggling. Last year, I had such a good resolution, but I’m not really feeling it this year. My group text was READY with their 23 for 2023. Here’s one of my friends’ resolutions with any giveaway information redacted…
(number seven made me giggle… and not because I was stoned.)
I have been struggling figuring out what I want out of 2023. But I decided my big resolution is to…
stop robbing myself of joy.
Seriously, it’s time to stop. They say “comparison is the thief of joy” and I feel that so deeply… specifically when I’m on Instagram. So I have deleted the app off my phone. I’ve deleted Twitter (and my account!) all together. I won’t let those apps rob my evenings… my mornings… my joy. I want to read more. I want to dance more. I reminded Evan last night that 11 years ago, we had a neighbor who always remarked that the only thing she ever heard from our apartment was laughter into the night. We used to be so silly and talk and laugh into the night. Now we stare at our phones, next to each other… sometimes whilst watching a TV show.
I won’t let alcohol rob my joy. No more drinking by myself at home… because it’s usually when I’m sad and it doesn’t let me feel all the feelings. And when I don’t truly feel the sadness, the joy is harder to define. I won’t let drinking too much rob the joy of tomorrow.
In another right, I won’t abstain from a cocktail when I’m out with friends. I LOVE those moments and they hardly happen anymore. I won’t not split a bottle of wine with Evan when he makes me fresh pasta, because he saw a hard day. I won’t rob myself from this joy and I will hope all this joy ends in kitchen dance parties.
I will not let the worry of my future—be it work, be it family, be it homes, be it finances—rob me of the joy right now.
And what brings me joy? Writing. Reading. Snuggling Marcelline. Playing cards with Evan. Talking to Evan. Making radio. Telling stories. Drag queens. Laughing with friends. Dancing with Marcelline. Watching Marcelline figure something out. Riding my bike. Trail running. Skiing. Eating good food. Taking photos. Sharing love with loved ones. Making people laugh.
Don’t rob that from me. (I’m talking to myself.)
*how else do you explain I landed myself the only not-loaded guy from Jackson Hole, Wyoming??
A Little Woo:
Today It’s a Full-Moon in Cancer: God, I love Cancers. There’s like a special Taurus (me) and Cancer relationship… it’s a thing. My BFF Lisa is a Cancer. Some of my best work relationships are because of badass Cancers. Here’s what this full moon could mean for your sign today: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/a42409171/full-moon-cancer-january-2023-astrology-meaning-horoscope/
Basically, it’s time to slow down for a hot second. I LOVE what this piece said about a Cancer Full Moon during Capricorn season:
The Cancer full Moon greets us in the midst of Capricorn season, bringing both of these energies into our lives on this day. Cancer and Capricorn oppose each other in the sky and bring up many conflicting energies within our own vibration. These energies do share some similarities, though, that can help us make decisions that put our hearts first while aligning us with our soul’s mission.
…
Capricorn teaches us to find our lifelong passion or mission and commit ourselves to it. This commitment can change, though. It’s also a choice. We can experiment with different careers or hobbies throughout our lives. We can try on various ways to present ourselves to the world. Capricorn reminds us that we each have a mission this lifetime, and that it may not feel like a choice. It often nags at us until we find some way to express it and fulfill it.
How we fulfill this mission, though, can change. It is fluid and can cause us to start new careers or change commitments until we find the right fit for the soul. Once we’ve found the thing that gives purpose and meaning to life, we tend to make a lifelong commitment to it.
In working with this full Moon in Cancer, look at your commitments and responsibilities. This Moon is an opportunity to release the lower frequencies and, along with them, those commitments that no longer serve you.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Little Simz – Gorilla.
(I’m sure you’re like… “Rachel… hold on… didn’t you only talk about Little Simz last week?” yeah, okay, I can’t stop listening to this and if you haven’t listened to “NO THANK YOU” yet, start with this track.)
Emily In Paris Outfits.
(this show is so good/bad. it has a lot of things that tickle me: Paris, fashion, agency life, Gabriel… and I’m so glad it’s back for Season 3. each season makes me want to dress bolder, but also like I have got to stop buying new clothes… it’s so bad for the environment.)Speaking of Wanderlusty TV.
(this show looks great… and god I wanna go to Italy.)Jessica Dobson Has a Cocktail.
(I recorded and produced this podcast episode and am pretty proud of it. make yourself a Deep Ahumada at home or you can get one at Gold Bar in Seattle!)Oh! Hear Me Catch a Fish.
(I love Seattle. I love Pike Place Market. I love telling stories on radio.)This Is Old(er), but I Love Meg Stalter.
(I got to see her at the end of 2022 in person and haven’t laughed that hard in a LONG time.)
Hay. Thanks for being here. Happy Friday. Have yourself a merry little weekend/2023. See you next Friday!
xxo,
rachel.