everything's a competition.
except for like legit competitions.
My second therapist was my favorite therapist ever. Corey. She was in Missoula, Montana and I would find myself inviting her to any art show or film premiere I had. I wanted to be her real-life friend so bad. She would always say,
– That’s so wonderful for you. Congratulations.
And never really answered my invite. Corey and I dove deep into family stuff, career stuff, relationship stuff, dream stuff. Theoretical dreams and literal dreams. I would dream about a bison or a bird and Corey would move to her bookshelf to pull an animal symbolism guide and read me what it says about each animal I dreamt of. I trusted her, I loved her. So I was a little taken aback when she told me…
– Your competitive nature is hurting you, Rachel.
Wait, what? I assured her that was not the case…
– I think it’s actually gotten me to where I am today. I had to be competitive to get everything I have in my life that I love.
Evan (my husband) likes to say that one of my taglines goes like this:
“Rachel Stevens: Anything that isn’t an official competition is a competition.”
And that’s pretty true. I don’t want to win actual races that I pay to enter and run. I don’t care about winning those. But the other day, skiing, I blew by Evan and when we got to the bottom, I said…
– I won!
– I didn’t know we were racing.
– Always.
I want the best parking spot. I want the highest title. I want to wear it best. I want the best seats. I want to win the board game. I think of the beginning of Frances Ha all the time. When Frances and her BFF are playing a board game and her BFF rolls a good score and Frances just messes up the whole board, because she can’t stand it. That’s me.
It’s March Madness right now and my sister Sarah has joined the pool for the first time in seven years and is absolutely DOMINATING. I wrote to the Stevens Family Jam group text that, “if Sarah wins, I think we should all just get our money back.” (cuz I’m an asshole.) Sarah quickly quipped back the perfect response, directed at Evan, “Evan, you know how competitive Rachel is but it’s a whole new level when it comes to sibling rivalry.”
Touché.
And yes, it’s still there, but 12 years ago, sitting with Corey—a therapist I loved and trusted—I wanted to give it a go. Hear her out.
– Rachel, with competition naturally comes comparison and you will never be someone else.
– I know that. I’m okay being myself. I just want myself to be her best self.
– What happens is that you end up competing against yourself. There’s no winning here. You’ll continually be harder on yourself and even when you (finger air quotes) “win” you’ll defeat a part of yourself and then move on to the next conquest.
– I don’t exactly follow, but I want to be better at therapy than everyone else, so I’m going to try and be less competitive.
And I have been. Or I’ve been trying. It has been so good for me to recognize that being the best isn’t the only way to be a human. And that there’s room at the top, so we should be pulling more women up there with us. (and if a company or an organization says there isn’t any room at the top, RUN.)
I have to make conscious decisions not to be competitive. When my sister calls me out, I have to take a deep breath and then remember how happy I am to have her back on the team and THAT is the win.
The other evening, we canoed to a Mexican restaurant on the water with our friend Laura. At dinner, we did our tradition of going around the table and saying our “favorite part of the day.” Laura is familiar with this tradition. She’s dined with us plenty of times before. She told us…
– We (her and her partner) don’t like doing “favorite part of the day” it brings too much competition into the day. Like what was the BEST is a lot to ask. So we do “what was a delight of your day?”
I LOVED that. Another small step of taking the competition out of my daily life. So for a couple weeks we’ve been doing a “Delight of the Day” at dinner, around the table.
The other night, we went to a baseball game. It was the Mariner’s opener!
We had skied earlier that day and our four-year-old daughter skied her first BLUE SQUARE.
I had even gone for a beautiful sunrise walk with girlfriends that morning.
(okay, I also have to show you this photo my friend Emily took of Anne and me and then the Photoshop job Anne did with it. 🤣)
It was, by all measures, a spectacular day—soup to nuts.
We biked to the baseball game. Evan was on a regular bike and I had Marcelline on the back of our cargo bike. Bike ganging home as a family in the warm/cool spring night through the city of Seattle was magic. I love bike ganging with friends—always have. It may be one of my top five things ever. There is something about being with friends and biking and laughing and talking and taking in a place in a way you can only do by bicycle.
At ever stop light, with Marcie on the back of my cargo bike, I put my hand back and she high-fives it. It makes my heart sing. We biked past the Space Needle and Evan stopped at a light and I pulled up next to him, close enough to lean in for a kiss. After I kissed him, I said, “Fuck it. This is my favorite part of the day.”
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: BEYONCÉ.
(as a Texas girl, I am beside myself excited about a country album from my queen. it’s bigger than music, but the music is fucking spectacular. I keep waking up with this song in my head. this one is a VIBE. and the opening track is also so so good. it’s all so good! let’s be “more open to the joy and liberation that comes from enjoying art with no preconceived notions.”)
I Got My Tickets To This.
(visiting Lisa in New York in 2008, she picked this up at a bookstore and told me, “you’ll love this book.” she was dead right. it changed my life. it made me want to write short stories.)
YES THIS DOCUMENTARY.
(I listen to Fresh Air now when I make dinner and this one was really special. hell yes women.)Speaking Of Podcasts I Love.
(that ep was particularly good.)I Want To Redecorate Everything With All Of These.
(maybe especially this one.)
ATTENTION TALL GIRLS.
(these pants are super long and I LOVE them. got this top to match and it’s a vibe.)
If My Daughter And I Had A Custom Collab.
(it’s so random, but little joys!)HAHAHA.
(I love her. also, is she me?)
It’s TOUGH out there, y’all. With the mercury retrograde, the eclipse season, and the actual genocide that’s happening in Gaza because there isn’t a fucking ceasefire and the hostages haven’t been returned. How do we do it? How do we go through the day? We breathe in and breathe out, because we can. We hug each other, because we’re here. Thank you for being here. I love you… like more than any other Substacker ever… I love you the most. (because it’s a competition.)
xxo,
rachel.