five years later, in a stairwell.
half a decade of realizing who's the boss.
Five years ago, Friday the 13th, 2020, was my due date for this baby in my belly. We didn't know it was Marcelline. We didn't know it was a girl. we didn't know what was going on in this world. We didn't know that the chaos and fear of the world would become so real, so quickly.
I had a meeting with my doctor a couple days prior to March 13th and she said, "You're two centimeters dilated already." And I—like a lady—sat up at the 35° angle I could manage and said, "What the fuck??" I didn't realize that early labor can last for weeks. That Marcelline was going nowhere. That (like my friend Katie says) if I hadn't gotten induced, she'd probably still be in there. I spent all of March 13, 2020, believing this was the day. Believing my water would break naturally, just like my mom's did with her first baby (me). Marcelline had other plans.
I like how this morning punctuated this anniversary already. I kissed Marcelline and Evan goodbye as they went out the door on their way to school and work, respectively. I got a phone call from Ev a couple minutes later. I looked over and saw both Roaries, her stuffed lion loveys.
We can't remember exactly when Marcelline chose this stuffed lion as her MOST BELOVED lovey. We didn't think this one—this gift from Evan's aunt and uncle—would be the one. I had so many other bespoke stuffed animals I thought would be it. But Marcie chose Roary around age one and became so obsessed with him.
We got scared we might lose Roary and bought another one. (he has stars on him now?? don’t love that.) I was on a road trip solo-parenting in 2022, with the back-up Roary in the back of the car, when Marcelline discovered both Roaries and the jig was up.
I picked up the phone this morning, "You forgot Roary."
"Yeah."
"Which one does she want?"
"Little Kid Roary." (there's Little Kid Roary and Big Kid Roary now… confusingly, Little Kid Roary is the one she's had for the longest amount of time, but once I put Little Kid Roary in the dryer and he shrank, so he's smaller than Big Kid Roary.)
"Okay, well I'm in my nightgown and don't have pants on, so give me a second and I'll run down."
I put on some jeans and a long jacket and grabbed both Roaries, because I couldn't remember which one Evan told me. I slipped on shoes and headed to run down the staircase. I heard Evan bounding up the staircase. We met and I held the Roaries out.
"Which Roary did she want again?"
"Little Kid Roary," Ev said as he grabbed Big Kid Roary and started to turn.
"That's Big Kid Roary!"
Evan turned and looked back at the Roary in his hand and the Roary in my hand, confused.
I suggested, "Do you just wanna take both in case?"
He did. "Okay, thank you! Love you!" and he ran down the stairs.
Five years later after walking around the green of Seattle, scared about what was to come, excited about who this baby could be, we're here. It's so funny to me.
Here I am, with the love of my life, in our apartment stairwell in Jackson, Wyoming. And while the world is still scary and chaotic (more so, I would argue), our biggest concern in this moment is our child. And if she has the correct lovey to get her through her school day. She is running the show—still. We're debating over WHICH stuffed lion she NEEDS for the day. What a gift. What a privilege. To be so concerned. Five years ago, I couldn't dream that this vignette would be how it all turned out. But I probably could've guessed that the babe within me would still be calling the shots, running the show.
Happy Due Date to me. Happy March 13th to you! Whatever that means to you, I hope you find yourself in some silly situation (in a stairwell, on a five year anniversary, navigating stuffed lions) that puts everything in perspective in your heart.
xxo,
Rachel.