I have it in me.

but I don't have this in me… not right now.

When I thought about writing this week’s Messayist, I oscillated between two different stories—one that was all about hands (of all things) and the other being an alternative second chapter/essay/story for my book that I’ve been thinking about. At the end of it all, last night (Tuesday, when The Messaysist is supposed to come out), I just thought to myself, “I don’t have it in me.”

The hard part is that I do have it in me. I have this book inside of me, that I have to get out. I have these articles and pieces and essays in me that are either assignments from some of my favorite publications or in-waiting for the best publications in the world… knowing that they’d be perfect… I just have to write them.

I’ve been talking to fellow writers about self-sabotage. I’ve been meeting with and mentoring other writers, which makes me feel amazing, but also makes me feel like I don’t have to work on my book. I’m being avoidant. I think about how instead of working on my book, I should write a Messayist for Substack. I have so many new subscribers! I owe it to them! I owe it to you! This is what avoidance looks like.

This and skiing. This and watching TV. This and many great things in life, too.

I have so much that I need to write. These stories, they are in there. I have it in me. I get nervous about something Steve-O (of all people) said:

“The worst thing would be to kind of have alcoholism… The worst thing would be to have alcoholism just bad enough that it really slows you down, destroys your potential, you know gets in the way of shit, but it’s not so bad that it has to stop. … How many people do I know who have the years just slipping through their fucking fingers?”

I think about that all the time. With alcohol, yes, but I think I’m just so scared of not living up to my potential. I’m so scared of never having a book published—never having my stories told. (and then I’m sure if I got this book published, I’d be terrified that people think I over-estimated my potential… once you get one thing in life, you’re nervous about the next, right?)

All this to say, I don’t want to fuck it up. I have an edit of my book back and I need to really dig in to rewrites (when I’m not working my full-time job, or being a mom, or being a partner, or being a friend, or freelancing, or traveling, or—most likely—skiing).

I have it in me. But I need to take a break from this here news(love)letter. I need to go back to waking up at 5am to write… not for the internet… not exactly just for my personal journals… but for my potential. For my book. For my goals. For my family. For my almost-40-self. She wants this so bad.

So while I absolutely adore this community and this platform (I think I am the reason for at least three new Substacks in the last two weeks—I’ve been encouraging so many people to start one!), I need to step away from The Messayist for a month or so. I’ve already been slacking around here, so I’m sure a lot of you saw that coming… but I wanted to make it official. I need a break from this and a break from social media and a break from things that aren’t the deepest dives into the deepest desires. Thanks for your patience with me. I hope you’re out there finding all the things you do have in you and working hard to put it out into the world.

---

Quick Hits:

• Jam Of The Week: Japanese Breakfast – Mega Circuit.
  (I am excited to get into March for many reasons [mostly Daylight Savings and also having a five-year-old feels so right] and Japanese Breakfast’s “For Melancholy Brunettes (& sad women)” coming out on 3/21 is a big one.)

• She Is Incredible.
  (“Doechii admits to her experiences with drugs and alcohol: ‘I like pills, I like drugs … / I like daydrinkin’ and day parties and Hollywood … / The shit works, it feels good, and my self-worth’s at an all-time low.’ It’s a relatable cycle of self-destruction, and Doechii’s vulnerability is striking. ‘I have moments where I am worried and I’m like, Maybe I should dial it back because that’s a little too honest, but I don’t give a fuck because I know that in the end, it’s going to pay off more for me to be real,’ she says.”)

• White Lotus Is BACK.

  (I love it so much. though we all feel this way, right?)

• It’s Pisces Season! Dive In.
  (wow, my Taurus ass is feeling called out in the best way. this is why I need to reel what I’m doing in my free-time to only be writing my book: “This month reminds you that faith isn’t just about believing in the unknown; it’s about showing up for yourself in small, meaningful ways every single day.”)

• How Do I Buy Enough Of These For The Rest Of My Life’s Worth Of Letters?
  (a favorite in our house.)

• People Ask: This Is My Adventure Lipstick.
  (do you think Revlon will sponsor the most mediocre runner/skier who loves this one lipstick that stays on forever and is the perfect color?)

• She Was Never Meant To Live In The Darkness Forever.
  (a beautiful reminder.)

• These Give Me Joy.

• OMG This Feels Like How I Stopped Playing Volleyball In Another Life That I Blocked Out.

That’s it for now. And for a while. I so appreciate you being someone who supports my dreams and this life, just by being here. Creativity does not happen in a vacuum. And good things come to those who work their ass off.

xxo,
rachel.