I-WANT-IT-ALL Monsters.

they're monsters.

I had two solo-parenting weekends with my five-year-old the last two weeks, which meant we poached a lot of pools around the area, we ate a lot of Impossible Nuggets, we had many lazy mornings, and we watched a lot of the French Open.

photo credit: Johan Sonnet / FFT (oh, how I day dream of being there some day. the dream: grand slam tennis in Paris.)

I did crossword puzzles while we watched tennis and she begged to watch cartoons instead. Sorry, kid. (sports and awards shows don’t count as screen time in this household.) Marcelline (aforementioned five-year-old) did not doth protest too much. She’ll take any screen time she can get.

There is something that feels so special and so formative in these moments. Sitting on the couch together: Me, pretending to have the capacity to do a crossword while watching the best tennis players in the world. Her, cuddling up next to me and asking, “who do we want to win again?” every 20 minutes. There are so many things I want her to remember and a handful of things I hope she forgets in the short five years of her life. I hope she remembers these lazy mornings, watching tennis together, having simple/funny conversations.

On this past Saturday morning, we watched Coco Gauff vs. Aryna Sabalenka. Coco is Marcelline’s favorite player. She loves yelling, “GO COCO!!” They kept cutting to Coco’s mom, watching and cheering her daughter on. (fun fact: her dad can’t watch, because he gets too nervous.)

Marcelline and I were laying on the opposite ends of the couch, our legs kind of on top of each other’s. I asked her, “Marcie, do you wanna be a tennis player when you grow up?”

She dramatically through her head back and said, “UGH,” before bringing her head back up and putting her hands out, in a shaking, stiff I-don’t-know pose, “I just want to be everything when I grow up.”

I laughed and asked if she could elaborate on all the things she wanted to be. She couldn’t, really. When she told me recently that she wanted to be a doctor, I told her she was too funny to be a doctor. (self-sabotaging my own retirement plans over here.)

I know that this is my own doing. I know that in my life, I just want to be/do everything. I remember crying to a friend that I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I mean, honestly, I’m 40 and I feel like I haven’t done enough. I watch the greats in tennis and theatre and TV and music and writing and I see how much younger they are than me. I didn’t know so much of life was an option until later and now I am here, sad that it may be too late.

I realize I have created this monster. Not Marcelline, no: I think she still has time. I have created this hungry I-WANT-IT-ALL Monster inside of me. She is insatiable and she is huge: She wants to run, write, and party. She wants to go to all the tennis Grand Slams. She wants to play tennis. She wants to go to all the concerts. She wants an excuse to go to New York every Fall. She wants a regular column at a magazine she loves. She wants to swim. She wants to climb mountains. She wants to dance. She wants to laugh hard with her friends. She wants to dive deep into the music of the Grand Teton Music Festival. She wants to write and perform in a one-woman show. She wants to make enough money to put a pool in her parents’ backyard in Texas. She wants to be/have everything.

The problem is this monster inside of me 100% has ADHD and very little discipline. And I’m not sure if the monster inside of me is pushing for me to be the best mom I can be. I get scared that this monster is willing to sacrifice so much of the core of what I’ve wanted so long (a daughter just like Marcelline and a partner-in-life just like Evan), for the big, bold, nearly impossible things that are wildly big dreams. I get scared that Marcelline will see me wanting all these things and she won’t see me wanting this time with her that I cherish. I fear she’ll grow up and want to be everything and that that I-WANT-IT-ALL Monster will tear her up on the insides: creating a bleed I can’t see that hurts her.

I remember when Marcelline was three, I asked my mom, “When do you stop worrying about them?”

And she responded, “I’ll let you know.”

Coco won the championship final of the French Open and collapsed on the clay. When she looked up to her mom (and then soon her dad), she cried, she put up her hands into a heart and I burst into tears.

Her mom crossing her arms over her chest, signing LOVE back to her? 😭😭😭 That relationship is everything. The love. The pride. And I realized that the I-WANT-IT-ALL Monster inside of me has a +1 that is growing next to her. There’s a I-WANT-IT-ALL-FOR-HER Monster in there, too. They’re not competing, they’re working together. They are friendly monsters. I want the world for Marcelline. And the craziest part? I think she’s gonna go for it. The whole damn world.

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Quick Hits:

• Jam Of The Week: Japanese Breakfast – My Baby.

  (this lovely new song was so welcomed into my day when I heard it on KUTX.)

• Strawberry Moon: Invitation To Follow Our True Path.
  (I’ve been doing a lot of spiritual work around tomorrow’s full moon. it’s gonna be a good one!)

Honestly, I don’t feel like sharing more Quick Hits. I’m thinking about getting rid of them all together. Or maybe just making them a thing that Paid Subscribers get. Would you sad to see them go? Sometimes they’re emotionally exhausting.

And—today/tonight—I am emotionally exhausted. While I’m generally happier in life than I’ve been in a long time, I am completely distraught by the ICE raids and peaceful-protests-turned-violent in Los Angeles. This is our country? This is what we’re doing? My heart aches at the photos at the top of Eddie Huang’s latest post. What can we do? What would I do if ICE showed up at my daughter’s Pre-K graduation? There is so much brokenness and evilness and crime in our country… and we’re trying to deport teachers and farm workers??? I’m just kinda messed up in the head about it. Here’s an extensive list of what you can do in LA. Join me in donating to CHIRLA tonight?

I love you. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Take care of your community. I love you. Thank you for being here.

xxo,
Rachel.