inside me there are like 40 birds.
it's chaos.
Have you heard of the two wolves who live within you? No, not the memes, though…
No, I’m talking about the fable…
The Wolf You Feed
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
I think of this fable every time I’m in Jackson, Wyoming. And I was in Jackson for the past eleven days.
I’m not sure if I think about this fable here because Jackson is the first (and only) place I’ve ever seen wolves in real life. Or if because my brother- and sister-in-law’s dog looks like an actual wolf.
But it’s there. This thought about feeding what you want to flourish in your life.
(or maybe I thought about this so much, because one of Evan’s friends from high school in Jackson is absolutely shoveling food to their angry wolf and it is hard to watch that other wolf in there starve. it’s heartbreaking, but they’re not our wolves! time for some kind of closure ceremony… and some therapy. friend breakups are so hard!)
Jackson—for me—is a world of extremes. I moved there at age 21 as an evangelical Christian and then—admittedly—went about as opposite the direction you could go from there for the next five years. This wasn’t a good wolf versus a bad wolf, necessarily, but there was fighting within.
I lived in a rental house that had four bedrooms and seven tenants. The garage was FILLED with junk left over from the landlord and years of ski-bum tenants. (those days in this dilapidated place we called The Swamp House were some of my favorite days of my life.) One of those pieces of junk in the garage was a huge recliner chair. Sometimes, at night, I would sit in that chair in the garage and smoke clove cigarettes, listening to Elliott Smith, writing in my journal. I would write half-prayers, half-essays, full journal entries, trying to figure out if the wolf from my past or the wolf from my present was winning. Trying to figure out who I was. Who I was feeding.
Because, I truly believe where your focus goes, your energy flows.
But on this trip, I finally discovered that I don’t think I have two wolves in there… I think I have like 40 birds within me. They’re all in there, flying around like crazy and I can’t focus on who to feed.
There is a humming bird in here, beautiful and gracefully reminding me to trust my intuition.
There’s a blue heron in here, of course, always by water.
There’s an idiot bird who keeps flying into the glass door.
Oh, look, there’s a mockingbird who is just trying to fake it ‘til she makes it and copying all the other cool birds.
There is a giant turkey vulture who is feasting off the kills and successes of others.
There is a mean parrot in here.
Is that Big Bird? That checks out.
There’s a roadrunner in there, trying to goad a coyote.
There’s a Crane Wife in there.
There is an ostrich, constantly trying to bury her head and hide from the world.
There’s a songbird who is comically bad at singing.
There is an owl in here, who loves New York and just wants freedom.
There is a penguin here trying to fit in at a black tie event, hoping no one notices.
Nelly Furtado’s bird is here.
There’s a kookaburra in here, constantly reminding me of dark times in Australia.
There is an osprey in here who is fiercely protective of her family.
There is a raven in here, constantly craving transformation and wondering where those two wolf friends of her’s are… wondering if the roadrunner could convince them to come over for a dinner party.
And then there are like 23 other goddamn birds in here. It’s chaos. They’re all fighting for attention and feeding. They all get fed every once in a while. Some of the angry birds are fatter than they should be. And some of them should be flying higher than they’re capable, but they don’t have sufficient fuel. The aviary of my soul is loud and terrifying and beautiful and inspiring. And I’ll do my damndest to make sure they all get fed enough… even the naughty ones.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Tierra Whack – SHOWER SONG.
(paid subscribers—you angels on earth—probably know this song from a Spotify playlist I sent, but I truly cannot stop listening to it. every time I do, Marcelline says, “why she say it’s so funky?” joy in my heart!)
My Favorite Thing I’ve Watched In A WHILE.
(I know… I know… it’s like a half-hour show about blow jobs and you’re thinking, “can I really trust Rachel with recommendations?” but YES. I would feel okay taking my mom to this show… well, maybe not MY mom, but someone else’s mom. anyways, it’s brilliant.)I Am Into This Show.
(it reminds me of The Americans, which reminds me of when I had a miscarriage. the tragedy of losing a baby left me brave enough to reach out to a woman online I admired and knew had had multiple miscarriages. she was so sweet and so kind and told me to binge a series like The Americans. so I did exactly that. now I tell other women the same thing when they’re going through a loss like that. it’s like it’s just part of being in this shitty club. Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a better show, though… because Donald Glover.)
This Podcast Is So Much Fun.
(I’m usually not into fiction podcasts, but this is scratching an itch for me in a great way.)I Am Obsessed With This.
(my 2024 list is more goals than wishes, but maybe that’s not right. )I Want This Bedroom.
(I’ve been deep in removable wallpaper and/or wall stencil internet searches.)A Favorite On Her Parenting Essentials.
(I love this so much and feel The Office love in my BONES.)This Carousel Of Posts Made Me Emotional.
(what if??)I Believe In Kismet Love.
(for us all.)LOL.
(absolutely would be me.)JOY.
(childlike joy.)
Eeee! The Messayist is back! I needed that six week break. Thank you for your grace and for still being here. We’re back to our regularly (weekly) scheduled programming. Though you may have noticed that the “A Little Woo” section is gone. I think I’m done with that in this space. (please holler if you’ll miss it madly.) I’ll still do my own woo for my own soul and I’ll mention the current astrology in the monthly Paid Subscriber email, but I think that section has run its course for this here news(love)letter.
I love you. Thank you so much for being here with me.
xxo,
rachel.