Love Is Bald.

lots of bullies in here.

The pods. You know what I’m talking about. No, not Tide Pods (rest in peace, Reply All… my once favorite podcast). The Love Is Blind pods. Look, it’s a horrible show and I love it. I’m old enough to know that both things can be true. And I think this season being based in Seattle, just made me fully in.

I’ve been wondering what Pod Life would have meant for my relationship.

I wonder what Love Is Blind would’ve meant for my relationship with Evan, but I know what it would’ve been like just for me… because middle school in the 90s was basically Love is Blind.

In 1997, we only had a phone book and a class directory, but we knew things. We knew a couple boys’ names and we would make phone calls. I was not a good-looking middle schooler. I know I know… which one of us was? But I truly was awkward.

One night, I hung out on my friend—Billi’s—trampoline while she talked on the phone with her new boyfriend. (the word“boyfriend” is used lightly… we were twelve-years-old.) I do not remember his name at all, but he asked if Billi knew of any cute girls for his friend, Ross, to date. It was too perfect—Ross & Rachel… just like Friends! I knew what Ross looked like—he was popular; he played football. He did not know what I looked like, but we assured him I was beautiful. Also, I was pretty witty and fun on the phone. I was slaying this Pod experience. I was buzzing with all the excitement coming at me so fast. We talked a bit on the phone, Billi and her boyfriend passing the phone back and forth to us. I remember nothing that we talked about, except for that we were going to meet face-to-face the next morning in the cafeteria before school.

This would be my first boyfriend.

I wore my Old Navy baseball shirt, that said “Old Navy” across the chest. I had my shell necklace. I washed my hair. (it was still wet.) I rode the bus in to Benold Middle School, excited to start my new life with my new love. It was basically that part of “Love Is Blind” where they are about to see their fiancés for THE FIRST TIME. They’re standing behind doors on opposing ends of a long red carpet. And then the doors open and they see each other and (usually) they run up to each other and hug and kiss and just say over and over, “Wow, you’re so beautiful.”

‘Twas not my experience with Ross. It was exactly what I expected to happen, but it is not what happened.

I took a deep breath, strode into the cafeteria, spotted Ross and his friend-group, and strode towards them. In a slow-mo scene that replays in my head often, one of the boys (Grant) spotted me, and they all started laughing and yelling and they all got up and ran past me, Ross shaking his head “no” and saying over and over, “I didn’t know!” And they just all ran past me and I just stood there, hair wet and shirt pressed. (in the LIB analogy, I was Zack and he was Irina.)

I had caught the early bus, so none of my friends were there yet. I went to the bathroom. Cried a bit. Went back and sat down on a plastic round cafeteria seat and waiting for my friends to arrive. I didn’t say a word to my friends about what had happened. I told Billi later that I called things off.

I never told anyone that story until just recently. I’ve kept it with me for 25 years?? Wow. Why??

I told Evan and a few friends about Ross saying “I Do Not” to me in such a public way a few weeks ago. I could tell Evan was shocked.

A few nights after I told my Love Is Blind-esque secret to Evan, we were in bed and he rolled over to say…

“Hey, I’m sorry that guy was such a jerk to you in middle school.”

“Oh, babe, it’s okay. Really.”

(also, our conversation made me look up Ross on Facebook and he’s bald now… which somehow makes me feel a little bit better. but also I once made fun of someone who was allergic to the sun and now my baby is allergic to almost everything, so I’m treading lightly here, because I believe in karma.)

There is something special about the love of your life trying to protect a younger you from heartache. I picture Evan running into that cafeteria and finding me and giving me a big hug. And saying to me over and over, "“Wow, you’re so beautiful.”

And then we’d hold hands and play some paper football game or something. It’s like in Eternal Sunshine, when Clementine visits Joel’s childhood memories and defends him against the bullies. And then they both wish they had known each other as children.

Love is not blind. My love is not bald. (it just made for a catchy title.) My love is bearded—well, mustachioed. And kind. Thank goodness.

What love does is it lets you show your deep dark secrets and embarrassments and then holds you and tells you how beautiful and special you are.

I am not embarrassed of this anymore. I do think I’ve probably held this mentality in a lot of situations without truly acknowledging it—feeling like I’m not enough. We must all have a little bit of that, right? The fear that when people truly see you, they’ll laugh and shake their head? Or they’ll just say, “No, you’re not it.” Ugh. It’s real. But thank god I have love—from Evan, yes, but from friends and family, too—who truly see me and love me and tell me I am enough.

You are enough. You are beautiful. You are amazing.

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A Little Woo:

Eclipsing Energy: This is it. This season of life (which started in late January) is coming to a close. Thursday, April 20th, is a New Moon ushering in Aries season that is also a solar eclipse. This is a time for major change. Think of what happened at the end of January… is something from that time coming to a close?

Here’s what Moon Omens says about this time:

Overall, the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aries brings a potent energy of initiation and propels us into a transitionary period of our lives. This event is an opportunity to connect with what we truly desire to create, ask ourselves what world we desire to live in, and begin taking action in that direction. We are entering a period of unpredictable changes, fast shifts, and unexpected turning points. The invitation for us is to let what has run its course fall away, release what it’s meant to end, what has no longer meaning, in order to create space for what is meant to arise and blossom.

I need to get another reading with Tyler on the books!

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Quick Hits:

• Jam of the Week: Bully – Lose You (feat Soccer Mommy).

  (so many bullies in one news[love]letter! I want this song to be five times as long. I saw Soccer Mommy in Mexico once and it was complete magic.)
  

• Segue of the Week: Judged by the One and Only DJ Riz.
  (included in this episode is Riz’s sage wisdom on:
  
  • Who at KEXP will play Phish.

  • What a Stevie Nicks dance is.

  • How he became a Beyoncé fan after “not getting it” for years
  
  I love it all so much..)
  

• Omg, It Me.

  (it’s too accurate.)
  

• Add Me To The List Of Friends Texting…
  (“have you watched Beef yet?” it’s so so good.)
  

• The Asian Fashion Mag That Never Was.

  (Tula Jeng is using AI and Photoshop to put “Asian faces in mid-century spaces” and it is incredible. I think this one is my fave.)
  

• I’ve Watched This Clip A Lot.

  (it makes me so happy. I KNOW that love for certain parts of songs. I constantly shhh Evan when my part is coming up.)
  

Also, I have been trying to figure out what to say about Ralph Yarl, the 16-year-old boy who was shot in the head, because he went to the wrong house to pick up his little brothers. Actually, he got shot in the head, because he’s Black in America. What the fuck? Ijeoma’s words are important words.

xxo,
Rachel.