loving and soaring.
wull hay!
Love is a fine line. I hold my daughter in my arms and watch her drift off to sleep—her eyelids slowly fall—and feel the most intense, deepest love for anything. And then I watch my husband fall asleep in the exact same way on the couch during a documentary he made me wait to watch with him and I whisper, “I’m gonna murder you.”
I’m learning that love isn’t one thing. It’s not just romantic. It’s not just parental. It’s not just a family thing. It’s not just a friendship thing. It’s not something you can just choose—but you can choose. Unconditional love doesn’t mean someone gets a free-pass to hurt you over and over. There is beauty in the accountability, but it doesn’t come without the hard shit. Love is so complicated. And it’s the best because of that.
It’s been freezing in Seattle lately—a ton of snow and ice on the street. Coming home the other night, I saw a couple walking together. They were all bundled up from head to toe except for their hands, which were clasped tight together. It was beautiful and strange. Like two highways, running parallel, going the same way. Perfectly paved black, with direct painted lines, and lit up for all to see. But as the highways start to merge, the streets turn to gravel and then full dirt roads and the lights stop and they come together under the darkness of the night sky. And this is where the hands are—this wild, still cul de sac we camped in in the cold.
(all soundtracked to this song. because what is love if it isn’t being more you?)
A Little Woo:
I have long had a deep connection with the Great Blue Heron. In Missoula, Montana, as I was falling in love, they kept showing up. There was one at our wedding ceremony. And the other day, Evan and I had spent a morning setting intentions, talking about our life and our goals for 2022. That afternoon, we took walk in the rain around Green Lake and spotted the majestic bird.
Evan cracked me up as we stared at this bird for a good while and he says, “You even look like them!” Thank you? I think it’s the long legs—not pictured here.
Once in Missoula, when I had first started therapy, I told my therapist about my recent connection with blue herons. She pulled out a symbolism book and read to me about blue herons and it made me feel so connected.
According to North American Native tradition, the Blue Heron brings messages of self-determination and self-reliance. They represent an ability to progress and evolve. The long thin legs of the heron reflect that an individual doesn't need great massive pillars to remain stable, but must be able to stand on one's own.
Blue Herons have the innate wisdom of being able to maneuver through life and co-create their own circumstances. Blue Herons reflect a need for those with this totem to follow their on unique wisdom and path of self-determination. These individuals know what is best for themselves and need to follow their hearts rather than the promptings of others. Those with the Medicine of the Great Blue Heron may sit until the rest of us loose patience. And, when they follow the promptings of the heart, they are one of the most magnificent when they choose to soar.
This is the message that Blue Heron brings.
Choosing to soar. Again. I love it.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Yaeji & OHHYUK - 29
(god, this video is so weird and good. I have been craving the days of discovering weird videos that were made for my favorite songs. it was such a time in my life. also, Evie Stokes introduced me to this song on a show I produced of her’s last week. props!)
My Podcast Offering: Drugs & Music.
(I interviewed my friend Jim Causey about his experience with Ketamine treatments for his chronic depression. fascinating! I’m so grateful to Jim for his openness on this important topic.)(Evan and I watched CODA on New Year’s Eve and I love loved it. we laughed out loud. we cried—okay, I cried. once upon a time I knew American Sign Language and this movie made me miss the Deaf community dearly. but it also made me cringely remember all the times I thought I was gonna save the day as an interpreter—eek.)
Can’t Wait for this Show.
(though in some ways it feels a little too relatable… a topic for another time.)Fave Podcast from the Week.
(listened to it twice and don’t really know why. comfort in the storytelling, I guess.)
I’m really enjoying this silly little newsletter. It’s starting to form more into something… something. Thank you for being here.
xxo,
rachel.