my holey heart.
and my fixes.
Last night, I went to my first KHOL event in… *checks watch*… 14 years. This one was a bit different. I threw the party. Well, with the help of a lot of KHOL and GTMF friends.
I gave a speech. A toast. I talked about how when I moved from Austin, Texas to Jackson, Wyoming in 2007, there’s was a community radio hole in my heart. I grew up on terrestrial radio and love listening to stories and music from my friends and community members. It was a staple needed for how I wanted to live. So when KHOL was started in 2008, my heart was happy. The hole was filled. (yes, I hear it… a K-hole filling a hole… how ironic!)
I was also 22-years-old when that all happened. When my heart hurt, because there was no music. I had no idea how fragile a heart is. How it can be ripped and torn so easily, by things big and by things that seem small, but are actually huge.
My career—my identity as an artist, as a storyteller—has always been so important to me. Too important, at some times. I have worn holes in my heart that didn’t need to happen, all because I went too hard into a career path or lead to hard with my heart when I should’ve been guarded a bit. And then I had to try and find something to fill the hole that was the right size or I had to try and delicately stitch the holes up myself, which never really works because my fingers usually have Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust on them.
My move back to Wyoming from Seattle has been messy. I’m sitting surrounded by a mess right now. When the babysitter came over last night, I apologized profusely about the mess of boxes in our home—still. Things have been good and sad, fine and bad. Moving is hard. It’s messy. I’ve tried not to think too hard about it all.
Last night, right after I gave my speech/toast, I looked around at everyone at the event. In this beautiful yard of a KHOL board member. Jack was playing the perfect music for the evening. There was lightning in the distance semi-threatening the party, but never delivering. There were so many people and co-workers who love music and art and their community. There was my husband, tending bar and laughing with new friends. I thought a lot about how in 2008, I said that KHOL filled a hole in my heart, but I was now just realizing—holy shit, it’s doing it again. KHOL is filling my heart again.
Things are messy, my heart is tired and holey, but KHOL—this job, this radio station, this community—fits right into a place in my heart that needed fixing and healing. I didn’t really know. My heart knew. It knew to lead me here. I knew what it needed.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Clairo – Juna.
(what a dreamy viiiiiibe. I love it paired with this video, too. “you know me.” that line feels so right when I’m watching this video.)
A Little Woo That Had Me Reading Every-Other Line Aloud To My Husband.
(also, this weekly reading really resonated with me. are you feeling this Leo energy, too? just me?)I Wanna See This Movie So Bad!
(filmed in Jackson! a lot of scenes in the trailer are filmed right in front of the building my office is in.)
I Love Renting The Runway.
(that’s what I wore to the KHOL event. was I overdressed? maybe. but better overdressed than underdressed, imo.)Weirdly, I Need A Mouse Pad?
(please tell me if there’s one you recommend, otherwise I’m getting this one.)I Have Been Following This Pure Story.
(Spike makes me so happy!)
YASSSS.
(get it, girl.)This Video Is Hilarious And Conveys The Scariness Of Art So Well.
(should I get tickets to this play when we’re in NY in November??)Wow, This Olympics Photography.
(I don’t want it to be over!)
Hahahaha.
(it me.)
It’s August! You’re here. I’m here. We’re here. I hope there aren’t too many holes in your heart and if there are, can I help? I’ll get the needle and thread and a bunch of random puzzle pieces to try.
xxo,
rachel.