I have a handful of rules in my life around self-reflection and growth. And one is: If something makes me sob—whilst stone-cold sober—I should investigate why.
Cut to almost a week ago, watching the latest Ted Lasso episode on the couch with Evan.
I don’t think I’m spoiling anything, but I am about to drop some of the most precious dialogue from the show (I mean, it made me sob) down below.
Roy Kent is back at Chelsea (coaching) for the first time since playing there on the team.
After the game, Ted asks Roy how he felt being back.
Roy says he’s kind of sad to be back. He remembers his last game at Chelsea, how they won, but he didn’t play well.
Roy: That was the first time ever I thought: 'I can’t keep up anymore. I’m not good enough.' And that was all I could think about for the rest of the year.
So at the end of the season I left. And everyone was shocked. The club was shocked, the fans, the press. I didn’t want to be one of them broken down footballers just taking up space until they’re dropped years after they should have been.
Ted: Yeah well, a lot of folks think it’s better to quit than be fired.
Roy: Yeah. But going back there today, there’s a part of me that thinks maybe I should have stayed and just fucking enjoyed myself. But that is not who I am, I guess.
Ted: …Not yet.
Not yet.
I’m tearing up again thinking about it. It hit me in my core. Evan was a little taken aback to see me crying so hard and asked what was going on. I didn’t really know! But I did some self-reflection and I think I know why I was crying so hard…
Somewhere along the line in my life, I have been convinced that people don’t change. Some loved ones told me at a very vulnerable age in life they aren’t ever going to change. Some loved ones just don’t change—as much as I want them to. And with that, I have believed—in a deep core of myself—that I am incapable of change.
I am who I am. I am messy. I am not good at certain things. I don’t wake up early. I hardly eat vegetables. I have made horrible decisions at times in my life. I have been mean. I have screamed at my daughter. I have yelled at my husband. I have let down friends. I have hurt people.
I have what I have. I will never get certain things in life, because I haven’t gotten them yet and why would I expect any change?
I am who I am. I am never happy enough. As soon as I do get something, I want something else. Do I ever just sit in the moment and enjoy what’s happening? Do I ever just accept life for what it is? Do I ever just accept myself for who I am? Without judgement? I don’t know. Maybe that’s just not who I am.
Not yet.
Those two words have hit me hard with hope. Hope that change is possible and that we’re always growing and it’s never too late to change. I can change. We can change. If they want to, they can change.
Honestly, this is how I feel about gun control in America. It feels absolutely hopeless. Another school shooting. I’m not going to even talk about this shooting specifically, because whenever you’re reading this, there is probably another school shooting in America. We’re not a country that cares about our children. Gun violence is the leading cause of death in children and teens in the United States.
That’s the way it is. Right now. We’re not a country that loves our children as much as we love our guns. Not yet.
Maybe we will be soon? Maybe we will be before my daughter gets through college? (she’s three now… also, jury’s out on college… though, she can spell her name, so she’s basically a genius.)
Here’s what we can do today. For our children. For our friends. For each other. For ourselves. To try and change. I stole this from Emily Candrelli. This is what she said:
"Call your reps to voice SUPPORT for the ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN.
Here’s what to do:
This means calling 3 numbers.
1 HOUSE REP + 2 SENATE REPS
You can find them here by entering your zip code: https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative
To find your 2 Senate reps google “Senators for [insert your state here].”
Find their number (it’ll be a 202 number).
Simply say “Hi my is [full name] I’m from [city, state] and I’m a constituent of [rep]. I wanted to call to voice my support for the Assault Weapons Ban”
You don’t need to, but if you want, you can reference the bill numbers. For your House rep you can say “the Assault Weapons Ban Bill HR 698.” For your senators you can say “the Assault Weapons Ban Bill S25”
My DMs are FILLED with moms who are making calls. We have so much on the line. Thank you to all of you and to EVERYONE taking the effort to call. I know it takes emotional and mental effort to do things like this. We’re in this together.
As someone who used to answer those congressional calls I can tell you that YES these calls matter. They are reported to the rep.
And YES even if your rep is a Dem it’s CRUCIAL to call. We want to reward positive effort as much as we want to change inaction!
Call call call call call. We can change this.”
For Seattle, Washington:
Pramila Jayapal: (202) 225-3106
Patty Murray: (202) 224-2621
Maria Cantwell: (202) 224-3441
Come on, Washington. Come on, Montana. Come on, Texas. Come on, Wyoming. Let’s change together.
A Little Woo:
That Change is Gonna Come: Mars moved into Cancer a few days ago and it is giving the energy we need to grow and change. It won’t come without some moodiness (have you ever met a Cancer?? also, see above me just weeping to some Ted Lasso about change), but it will be beautiful and worth it. If you want that change, know that the stars are on your side right now.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Dinner Party - Insane (feat. Ant Clemons).
(need this dreamy jam right now. also does this song exactly like this song in a way??)
Segue of the Week: Eva Walker Comes In Hot.
(for this week’s Segue of the Week on KEXP, Eva thought she knew the winner… she was not prepared to have her mind blown.)Ira Glass, You’ve Done It Again.
(I’ve listened to every This American Life that’s ever been made and I’m still so pleasantly surprised when it makes me laugh, cry, or both.)A Friend Sent Me This Saying It Reminded Him of Me.
(100%. I howled. How I miss dumb workplace drama.)Succession Is My Crunchy Peanut Butter.
(what a show. absolutely no protagonist. the opposite of Ted Lasso. also, you should all be following Jill Krajewski on all social media channels you spin on.)
Last Week, I Said “Louder Than a Riot” Was My New Favorite Podcast.
(it has since been cancelled. wtf, NPR.)
This Made Me Smile.
(also, I miss riding around in cars, discovering music with my friends.)This Also Made Me Smile.
(for obvious reasons.)
Suddenly, I’m excited for all the “not yet”s in my life, in this world, in my soul. Maybe you are, too. Maybe you and I have never met in real life. Maybe we’ve never got sweaty on a dance floor together. Maybe we’ve never jumped in a lake together. Maybe we’ve never cried together. Maybe we’ve never shared a book or a poem we love with each other.
Not yet.
xxo,
Rachel.