I am a planner. Jury’s out on whether it’s a problem or not. My therapist has told me I can’t control everything, but I mean—you can’t control 100% of the things you don’t try to control. (pretty sure Michael Jordan said that.)
My upbringing didn’t help either. Every single “eldest daughter” meme I’ve seen is like a lightbulb.
I am still trying to control everyone else in my family’s life—which is a problem. Just this last week, my sister hung up on me after me sternly asking, “WHAT’S YOUR PLAN??” like five times in a row. I’m just trying to help!
Moral of the story: I like a plan.
In the last three years, I have been trying to plan a big, bright future. I got my dream job in March 2020 at nine months pregnant. I had this beautiful baby while the world was shutting down. As a nurse, my husband has been run ragged. As a planner, I have been recalibrating like a motherfucker.
I started at KEXP and my show changed from 2–6pm to 4-7pm. [RECALIBRATING.] My mom got breast cancer. [RECALIBRATING.] Our daughter had seizures and we had to spend a horrifying year and a half figuring out why. [RECALIBRATING.] Nothing was going to plan.
After the chaos settled a bit and we realized that some of our plans can’t/won’t come to fruition, I randomly texted Evan a few months ago…
Me: what if… and hear me out… we quit our jobs and went to travel Europe this summer?
I thought for sure Evan would laugh at that. Instead he texted back…
Evan: I can definitely hear you out on that. fuck yeah! let’s do it.
I was taken aback. So I made sure there were about a dozen things that would have to happen for us to do this. (that right there is a self-sabotaging plan.) But the universe wasn’t having it. All signs kept pointing to us doing this. So, yes. I am leaving KEXP. Evan is taking a leave of absence from his job (he needs it). We’re taking our toddler to Europe for the Summer. We’re leaping. We’re doing it. I gave notice at my job and immediately made this remix, because this is an accurate peep at the inside of my brain.
It’ll be okay, right? I don’t have a plan for when we return to Seattle in September. Me—Rachel Stevens—I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. When I sent an email to KEXP, telling all of staff that I’m leaving, I included this:
One precious life, right?? And yes, our three-year-old daughter might not even remember this, but this is truly for us… and I’m hoping she’ll appreciate the photos and all the swim opportunities. I don’t know if I’ve ever made moves not focused on my career… ever. This move is for me, for my family. I’m excited to remember who I am as a partner, a mom, a friend, a human.
A friend at KEXP, upon hearing the news, said:
This is sad to hear, but at the same time, I love that you are saying NO to your no’s, and YES to your yes’s.
I will carry that with me for a long time. Saying NO to my no’s and YES to my yes’s. It reminded me how much Evan is my YES.
In 2018, Evan had just finished nursing school in Montana and had accepted a job in Seattle. This was the first time I ever moved without a job—and I had moved a lot! I was feeling a little untethered. It was the first time I had to bank on my husband—my family—being the plan. During this deciding time, Evan and I went to a music festival in Missoula, Montana. We were laying on a blanket, waiting for the next band to come on when I asked Evan…
Me: What are we doing with our life?
Evan: You’re looking at it.
My heart smiled. This is what we’re doing. This is it. What we’re doing is what we’re doing. The bigger things happen and I plan for them, but some of the smaller things—day to day—become the biggest things.
I gave notice on Friday and then spent the weekend doing that prison potty training with Marcelline where you can’t leave the house for three days. The first day, I spent so much time just playing and talking to Marcie. At one point, Marcie was sitting on her kid potty (which, p.s. she’s the largest three-year-old in the world, so she looks like Buddy the Elf when she sits on this tiny potty) in the living room and asked me to hold her hands while she tried to go potty. I had another one of those moments where I was like, “What am I doing with my life? I just quit my job at KEXP! What am I doing??” And then Marcie wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “I love you so much, Momma.”
And I realized THIS is what I’m doing. You’re looking at it.
And I love traveling with this little unit. So… let’s fucking go. YES to my yes’s!
A Little Woo:
Oh Good, More Crying: I scoured different sites to try and find some good news about the Full Moon lunar eclipse in Scorpio that happens on Friday, May 5th… but it’s gonna be INTENSE. Scorpios just so spicy! Lots of relationship stress. Lots of protests. Lots of chaos. Lots of NO to your no’s. I do love what Refinery 29 said about the personal shifts of this lunar eclipse:
On a personal level, the lunar eclipse marks a significant time of change. It is urging us to evolve and transform — even if that means leaving the past behind. Letting go of people and situations that are holding us back will be easier during the eclipse, because we are seeing that it’s not part of our destiny or future. Tears will be shed, hearts may be broken, and things could suddenly end without a trace. Although it’ll hurt in the moment, over time you’ll come to realize it was necessary.
That feels right—especially for what I’ve been going through. I’ve just been crying a lot, thinking about saying goodbye to my friends and my work at KEXP. This Taurus horoscope for May feels right on for me:
First up, on Monday, May 1, transformative Pluto goes retrograde in Aquarius and your 10th House of Social Status. While we tend to have negative associations with these planetary backward dances (and we're in the middle of a Mercury retrograde), this transit could actually mean great things, especially for your professional life and passionate projects. Pluto is the lord of the underworld, which sounds scary, but it just means this planet is all about death and rebirth. During its backward dance in your 10th House, you'll see a glow-up at work or in a creative project, which could indicate anything from a raise to finally starting a band. Either way, this transit leaves you feeling like a rockstar.
Even though I’m leaving my job, I don’t feel like I’m going backwards in my career. I feel like I’m taking steps forward… into the unknown. Read your own May horoscope here and tell me if it resonates with you or if I’m just making all of this woo work for me, because I want it to. No, don’t tell me. Okay, do. No, don’t.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Sen Morimoto - If the Answer Isn't Love.
(brand new from Sen Morimoto. I love the video. I found this song on Larry Mizell Jr.’s show. I love this song, but… y’all… what if the answer ISN’T love???!?!)
I Love a Good Life List.
(#8 made me laugh out loud, YES to #16 and 33, and wow, yes, to #40.)Ob-sessed with This Lamp!
(by one of Evan and my favorite artists in Seattle.)Thanks, Mom, for Finding My Error.
(I sent y’all a random L.L.Bean link last week, when I was trying to show you how cool this bag is. I’m old now, right? this means I’m old, doesn’t it?)
This Made Me LOL.
(so did all of these.)
(I am real proud of this one. also, do you have any idea how many times I listened to “INDUSTRY BABY” to try and hype myself up for giving notice at KEXP? like a lot of times.)
I Am So Excited To See This Film.
(… at SIFF’s opening night! if you’re there on the red carpet, I just might be there, too… wearing this… interviewing you… with my friend, Marco Collins… who knows?? we’ll see!)
Thank you all for the support here—whether it be monetarily or clicking this open or sending good vibes. It all IT ALL means the world to me. You reading this. You saying YES to my YES to my yes’s. I love it. I love you.
And don’t you worry, I have a plan for our European trip… you knew I had a plan. I’ll share a loose itinerary soon, but please send me all your tips for traveling with a three-year-old!
xxo,
Rachel.