reentry.

how I came back from my Eat, Eat, Jump.

The week before we left Europe, Lisa and I swam at the Ladies Pond in the Hampstead Heath one morning. I insisted. Lisa was hesitant, as it was only 60°F or so outside. Lisa stood on the edge of the water for about ten minutes, trying to work up the courage to dive in with me. People would come to the edge and Lisa would say, “Oh, no you go ahead.” I was giggling so hard… it was completely these vibes…

We finally dove in and it was glorious. We swam and laughed and then fully got nake nake in the gardens by the pond to change back into our clothes, because that’s how you do it at the Ladies Pond. The bench we changed on had a dedication that moved my soul.

Agi Katz 1937 – 2021
Pond Swimmer for over 50 years. Loved and missed by her fellow pondies. She found joy, friendship, energy and sanctuary in this wonderful haven.

Pondies! I love this message so much. What community and love. When something is off with me, a swim… a jump… a backdive… usually does the trick. I tried to jump and/or swim on our European trip as much as possible. When people asked if these last three months were my version of “Eat, Pray, Love” I told them, “Kind of, but it’s more of Eat, Eat, Jump.”

jumping in Ireland.

I ate a lot. I jumped in water when I could. I made a lot of jumps happen.

Back in Seattle, I have my own “pondies”… though, we actually jump in a lake—Lake Washington. Once a week, each week, at 7am, we meet on a dock on Lake Washington and jump in together—whether “we” means two, three, or sometimes much more. Sometimes there are dogs.

Going back to Seattle was deeply difficult. I wept in the car ride to the airport after leaving Lisa and her family. I can’t even tell you exactly why I was crying, but it felt like I was driving away from something so beautiful and precious, only to get on a plane and keep distancing myself from it.

If I would’ve known how much my toddler was gonna be so excited to see all of her own toys in her own space, I probably would’ve felt a lot better about coming home.

are you kidding me with this kid?

My mom is here and Marcelline just kept showing her every. single. toy. and it made my heart explode with love.

The morning after we got home from our huge European trip, there was a jump with my lakies. I figured I would be jet-lagged anyways, so why not drive over there to jump. You know I love the symbolism, too. This jump would be perfect for my reentry to Seattle… to get back in that water with loved ones.

I drove to the dock, listening to Gabriel Teodros on KEXP. He played Janelle Monáe and I rolled the windows down and sang at an ungodly volume for 6:30am.

I don't care what I look like but I feel good
Better than amazing, and better than I could
Told the whole world, I'm the venom and the antidote
Take a different type of girl to keep the whole world afloat

It was so good to see those women at the end of that dock. We yelled to each other. We hugged hard. We laughed at the vintage Fila onesie I bought in Paris that I decided to wear. And then it was time to jump.

The water was lower than I was used to. I did a backdive—my regular—and I didn’t over-rotate or anything, but I just kept going down. I entered the water in an unfamiliar way. Like when you think there will be one more step, but there isn’t and you’re already safely there. That was my dive. It didn’t feel familiar, but it wasn’t wrong.

And that’s how these handful of days back has felt. The familiarity isn’t bright, but it isn’t dark. Am I off? Have I shaped into a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit exactly where I used to?

Evan and I went to one day of the music festival Bumbershoot and I ran into a hundred people I knew. And as I told them that this summer was the best and how proud and in awe of Marcelline I am and how I’m trying to figure out how to bring the magic of this trip in my day to day life… I wondered, “Do I seem off to them? Am I different now? Do I look like the wrong puzzle piece right now?”

But then I was in the water with my girlfriends. And it felt amazing. Lake Washington’s temperature was perfect and we swam and treaded water for much longer than I remember doing at any other jump. It felt right. (then we got out and snapped photos—of course.)

Fila-ing myself.

But then I was at Phantogram concert at Bumbershoot with some of my favorite friends and the love of my life. Evan. He put his arms around me and we danced.

Then they played a song I used in a video that recounted a year after my bad ski accident and it was so right.

And just like that. In that water, during that song… reentry didn’t feel so bad. Still a bit strange, but isn’t this soul more fun to have with a tinge of strangeness on it anyway?

xxo,
Rachel.

p.s. Next week, Quick Hits will be back… unless y’all don’t want/need ‘em? Let me know!

p.p.s. THANK YOU for all the new paid subscribers! That is absolutely incredible and your totes are totes coming. Want one?