sitting on the ocean floor.
waiting for Friday.
My baby has seizures. I don’t know why I never thought for a second that would be a sentence I would say, but here we are. You say you “just want them to be healthy and happy” but what if they’re not healthy? You throw ’em back? What if they have seizures… are you not happy? Where do we get off qualifying what we’re expecting from our brand-new humans?
Okay, you can come into this world, but you better be healthy! Like no autoimmune diseases or anything! Don’t even think about a damn nut allergy or anything! And life is so fucking hard, but you better be happy all the time! I mean, I’m not usually super happy, but you better be, kiddo!
As long as they’re healthy and happy.
My baby has seizures.
The first one she had was in August 2021. She was almost a year and a half. We were on Orcas Island. She (and I) was (were) air-flighted off of the island to Children’s Hospital.
We hoped it wouldn’t happen again.
It did.
The worst moment of my life was witnessing my daughter seize in my mother-in-law’s home in Victor, Idaho. It was just Marcelline and me in the home and watching her little body convulse was horror. My body feels sick just thinking about it.
There were a couple more. Some with fevers (apparently febrile seizures are super common in kids… but, as my sister said, “I mean, they can’t be THAT common—I’ve never heard of them!”), some maybe without fevers. So an EKG was the next step. Inconclusive. So the next step was an MRI.
After an excruciating two months, our MRI got pushed back. It got pushed back another two+ months. It’s on Friday now.
In December, before the other scheduled MRI, I had a couple panic-attacks. I didn’t associate them with Marcelline’s MRI, but one just so happened to be when we drove by the Children’s Hospital, so I don’t think they were totally unrelated. (who am I kidding—they were for sure because of my fear.)
There’s a 1% chance Marcelline has a brain tumor. There’s a tiny-bit bigger chance she has like a birthmark-like spot on her brain that causes seizures. There’s a larger chance she has febrile seizures and we just missed the fever during a couple of them. There is a decent chance there is nothing in her brain and she never has a seizure again.
But she’s my baby.
And she’s going under anesthesia on Friday, so they can look inside her brain to make sure there isn’t a tumor in there.
I don’t think I’m having another kid. This is my only one. My Marcelline Jeanne. And I want her around so so badly—even if she’s not healthy or not happy. I’ll take her.
My best friend asked me how I was doing with all this waiting this time. I told her…
“It feels like I’m laying on the ocean floor.”
I haven’t had any panic-attacks (yet… we still have four days). You know when you were a kid and you used to hold your breath in the pool and it always felt a little bit longer than you should be able to hold your breath? And it was all quiet or—at most—muffled sounds of commotion? And you would exhale all the breath you were holding on to and really sink to the bottom of the pool and be on the bottom for those few more seconds before you had to finally go up for air?
Those few more seconds are where I feel like I’m at. But extended for two months. And at some dark depth of the wild ocean.
There is some peace down here on the ocean floor. There is quietness and some numbness, but there is also the hope to press my feet hard on the bottom of this body of water and propel myself up through so much water to come up for air soon. I don’t feel like I can come up for air yet… I’m still sitting on the bottom. But soon. Soon.
A Little Woo:
I Don’t Care If My Positivity Bothers You—WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU:
Lizzo is my woo right now. I’ve been thinking a lot about positivity. Believing in myself. Believing in my friends. Championing those badasses who are doing what they’re meant to do. Wondering what I’m meant to do. Like TRULY do. Lizzo’s acceptance speech from Sunday’s Grammys had me in tears. She has me wanting to stop people on the street and tell them how beautiful they are. She has me wanting to drop everything and work on only dreams. She has me wanting to manifest like a motherfucker. Positivity is the name of the game—but in the REAL ways. Something I’m constantly working on.
Before Lizzo looked Beyoncé in the eyes and told her thank you for CLEARLY being the artist of our generation, she dedicated her Grammy to Prince and then talked about how much positivity and believing in yourself matters…
Stay true to yourself, because I promise you will find people—you will attract people in your life—who believe in you and support you.
Also, like all the planets are direct until April, so GET TO GETTIN’ ON MANIFESTING YOUR DREAMS AND BELIEVING IN YOURSELF.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Yves Tumor – Echolalia.
(the song is amazing. the video is disturbing—watch if you dare. or you can tune in to KEXP, because we’ve been playing the shit outta it.)
Speaking of KEXP.
(this show—in the Archive above and now here, too—is one of my favorite things we’ve had on air in a long time. DJ Yaddy and Lace Cadence had me sweating in the studio. If those three hours of radio don’t have you dancing, I would get looked at by a professional doctor… not one of those mountain town doctors.)Making Mistakes.
(I wrote about coming to peace with some of my mistakes through loving my family and—finally—myself through it all. this children’s book helped. highly recommend.)Yes, This Etiquette Article is Fascinating.
(BUT did anyone else notice this fucked-up part: “40. Do not touch the small of my back to move around me at the bar if you’re ugly.” if you’re ugly?? what the fuck?? it made me discredit the whole thing. I don’t care what you look like, don’t be creepy. you will not be tolerated putting your hands on me no matter what you look like.)God I Need to Listen.
(because lord knows I do so much talking.)Oh, Right We Were Gonna Talk About The Last of Us.
(but I decided I really don’t recommend this show—especially for moms… it’s too intense. I do recommend just watching the third episode, tho. like. by itself. it is so wonderful.)
On Friday, I Went With Lady Friends to This Amazing Restaurant.
(but it’s all over now, because I have this recipe now.)
I Will Wear This & These & This.
(when I have manifested my NYT bestseller that HBO buys rights to, I’ll buy all the fancy clothes I want from my favorite boutiques and I’ll hire this beautiful human as my stylist. those will be my cozy, everyday clothes and then I’ll try to pull off something as fantastic as this for awards shows.)
These Are On Their Way For Marcelline’s Class.
(I love Valentine’s Day… shocked… I know you’re SHOCKED.)
Thank you for being here on the ocean floor with me for a bit. Holding your breath isn’t easy, but having someone here for a bit to at least play a bit of tea party with is truly lovely. Thank you.
xxo,
rachel.