tears and fears and feeling proud.

I really don't know life at all.

Marcelline and I watched the Grammys tonight. I am an easy-sell on awards shows (LOVE THEM… even though this year’s Golden Globes was ruffffff), but tonight’s Grammys were seriously special.

Dua Lipa’s opening was ah-mazing. I got emotional watching Tracy Chapman perform “Fast Car.” I freaking loved Miley Cyrus’ “Flowers” performance. And oh my gosh I’m in love with Jay-Z and his acceptance speech.

Then Brandi Carlile introduced Joni Mitchell for her first ever Grammy performance at age 80. Joni started to sing “Both Sides Now” and I put my arms on my knees and leaned in—subconsciously trying to get as close to the TV as possible. Marcie was sitting next to me on the edge of the sofa with her feet dangling down. As soon as Joni’s chair turned around, I said, “Oh gosh, I think I’m going to cry.”

Joni Mitchell and Brandi Carlile perform onstage during the 66th GRAMMY Awards at Crypto.com Arena on February 4, 2024 in Los Angeles, California. PHOTO: AMY SUSSMAN/GETTY IMAGES

And then I felt this little hand—Marcie’s hand—on my back. She put her hand on my back and started rubbing my back to make me feel better, because I said I was going to cry. I lost it. I cried and put crouched down to give Marcie a hug where I put my head on her chest. She then snuggled in and we watched the rest of the performance. I started crying harder than I expected. Marcie asked me why I was crying and I told her, “It’s just so beautiful.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a song about love and I just feel so much love right now.”

I was weeping as the song went on. Joni Mitchell at 80, feeling it all again as she sang the poetry she wrote 58 years ago. It hit me right in my 38 year old heart. Deeply. “Both Sides Now” is about love and loss and life and living and I just felt it all in that performance. In that moment. In the connection. In that little hand on my back… wanting to comfort me.

And—in this breaking of form: it’s not a Tuesday and this isn’t how these new(love)letters usually look and I’m supposed to be on hiatus—I just wanted to share my connection with you.

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

It's life's illusions that I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all

xxo,
Rachel.