the dance before the turbulence.
sorry it's so late… you up? wanna dance?
Like almost every other preteen, I was obsessed with Vincent van Gogh’s “Starry Night.” I was finishing the dance of childhood and starting the dark drive of adolescence and this painting felt like it knew me.
My first college boyfriend and I drove to Dallas one weekend to see “Starry Night” in the flesh, during a traveling exhibit. My obsession with it had waned, but I still cried standing in front of it. Holding his hand, looking at this painting, it felt like I was almost back to the innocence of life, before the tumultuousness of life. But knowing that both of those sides—lightness and dark—make the beauty part of life.
Almost two decades after staring at that painting, I find myself making a concerted effort to get back to the childish joy in myself. There was a time when I didn’t turn to wine or a cocktail for joy. When I ran around the park, kicking a soccer ball or chasing a frisbee and I was elated. When I made radio on a Fisher Price boombox radio and I LOVED it. When I ran around my neighborhood playing “night games” with other kids or pogo sticked until the inside of my knees were raw or rollerbladed with my Walkman for hours on end. This is the joy I’ve been seeking lately. This is why I’m taking a break from drinking. (for the exact same reasons as this author who I love.) This is why I’m trying to simplify things a bit—to get back to the dance before the turbulence.
I don’t know about you, but the last few weeks were hard. The weather. The pandemic. Parenting. That Mercury retrograde was not fucking around. Life. My depression hit harder than it has before. The turbulence. So I wanted to simplify things.
I decided to take Marcelline to the Van Gogh Immersive Experience. It was such a beautiful experience. Marcie was so taken by the art, everywhere.
She wanted to sit on benches and watch videos with me. And while I watched and read about van Gogh’s life, thinking I would be brought back to a brighter part of my past, I remembered—oh, right… van Gogh was SUPER depressed. He lived in a great darkness. He was in a mental ward. He shot himself in a field. Probably a field that he had painted over and over. I looked at Marcie different, but she didn’t notice. She only wanted to explore more. In the big, expansive room, Marcie literally ran all over and danced. And I laid there and took it all in—the sadness of this artist and the joy of my daughter. Life is both things all the time… and it is still so beautiful.
A Little Woo:
ALRIGHT, Y’ALL: Listen. I know you heard me when I said I’ve been down. I know a lot of people have felt the same. On one particularly bad day (last Thursday, February 3rd), I fielded message after message from KEXP listeners who were just having a horrid day. BUT. All the planets are direct now! (live footage of Mercury going direct that very same Feb 3rd… oofta.) Nothing is in retrograde! And I know it’s not solving all my problems, but I will say that I haven’t cried after 11am ONCE in the last (counts on fingers) five days!
I loved this little note I got in my inbox from CosmicRX…
“Hi cosmic cuties,
Happy end of Retrograde season! Happy Venus Direct! Happy Mercury Direct! And, happy year of the Water Tiger!
The year of the Water Tiger is the perfect energy to kick off our next 12 weeks with NO planets retrograde. The Water Tiger will have us all tapping into some forward momentum, positivity and courage while we focus on risk-taking and making adventurous moves.
So, what is it that you desire? What do you want to go after now that you have 3 months of cosmic green lights from the Universe? A new relationship? A business endeavour? A career shift? A creative project? Travel plans?
Whatever it is, this is your time to get. after. it.”
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Arlo Parks - Softly.
(Arlo can do no wrong. this track is gorgeous. it is the 2022 version of Brenda Lee’s “Break it to Me Gently” we deserve.)
The Musical Remedy for What Ails You.
(Seattle legend Vitamin D hosted Drive Time on KEXP recently and the show was so. good. it now lives on the internet forever for you to enjoy.)OMG THIS LION.
(I was crying laughing when I first saw this post. it is the latest in botched art that is painfully hilarious. I also just love the idea of a king’s “favorite lion.” Marcelline has a beloved lion named Roary and I tell a story about Roary to her that involves him being kept prisoner by an evil prince. [don’t worry… the tale ends well for Roary and the little girl in the story.])It’s Februllage!
(I gave up! but I did it for a hot second!)
I Forgot Valentine’s Was Coming Up.
(I think I forgot on purpose, because sometimes loss is too hard to look at. but if I had a gift guide, it would consist only of these slippers I wear every damn day that a friend got me almost a year ago. they make me feel so fancy! buy them for all your loves!)
I HAVE A LOT OF MOVIES TO WATCH.
(I’ve basically only been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, The Bachelor [why Rachel why!!], The Righteous Gemstones, and Bluey.)
The days are brighter… and they’re getting brighter. And everything’s gonna be okay, right? Right. Thank you for being here—truly.
xxo,
rachel.