the salamander phoenix army.
we're recruiting.
I taught a writing class this weekend and at the 11th hour, it went online—to Zoom—because of weather. It was actually amazing to have us all there on the screen together, with people from Jackson, Wilson, Victor, Virginia, Hawaii, France. Even though we weren’t together, next to each other physically, it felt like we were immediately together as a team.
The last prompt I gave for a free-writing session was about Lunar New Year. We recently entered The Year of the Snake. In Texas, it was common as a child to find snake skins—dry and brittle—in the woods I would play in with Diane’s kids. If snakes don’t shed their skins, they die. It means they’re really sick and can’t function correctly. They have to wriggle out of their own damn skin to keep going. It must be so uncomfortable. Itchy, I assume. I had recently gotten over a bad cold and the edges of my nose were so red and cracked—the skin was peeling off, because it was so dry. I thought of the shedding snakes and how this horrid phenomenon happening on my nose happens on their whole damn body.
I asked the class to write: What do you want to shed your life of?
I didn’t write much, myself:
I want to crawl out of the shell that is 2024 Rachel. She’s bloated and dry and cracking. I want to crawl out of her and emerge a smaller, fresher, younger-looking Rachel. I want to shed myself of expectations. Of external validations I don’t give a fuck about. I want to reemerge like a fucking salamander phoenix—surrounded by an army of badass salamander phoenixes!
It got real weird real fast, but I kinda loved it. I feel this naivety and innocence and irresponsibility in me wanting to come out and play in this world where I put on adult clothes and pretend to be grown. I find myself cursing in ways I usually wouldn’t. (like a kid, getting away with something.) Thinking about salamanders and snakes like a kid would. Fantasizing about this army of salamander phoenixes! Fighting for what?? We don’t really know! Our jeans are torn! Our bodies are covered in bruises we can’t remember earning! We are clear-eyed and ready to rise!
I know I want some newness. I need to shed some dead weight. My hair was so overgrown and dead. I loved the length, but it had been almost a year since I got it cut and this elevation was making it feel so dry and dead. I needed a trim, desperately. So—like a young, broke, reckless teenager—I cut it myself. On a whim.
And then I found myself just like I did in college a few times… trying to take arty photos of myself in the mirror. I laughed finding myself here again.
I don’t know how to describe it, but somehow this reckless haircut is connected to my writing class. I feel like we’re all kids, emerging—rising like the phoenixes we secretly are—from a rotten cocoon of old skin, wielding scissors and pens, ready to cut what’s not working and write about what is. This is the army I travel with these days.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Gordi – Alien Cowboy.
(I’ve been obsessed with this song since I heard it last week. it’s way too short, though… I have to listen to it at least three times in a row to scratch the itch.)Me, To The Beyoncé Tour Announcement.
(I feel a deep-Texan connection to Cowboy Carter and was ready to travel, but can’t really find a date that works.)I Loved This Insight To This Life Of A Writer I Love So.
(simply that.)
Perfect Mug for Valentine’s Day.
(though I think Ev would be pissed if I bought yet ANOTHER coffee mug. girlfriends are coming over this weekend to make Valentine’s, like we’re in grade school. and I’m hoping somehow Ev and I can sneak to this art show on Valentine’s Day proper.)Black History Is Now.
(I loved this post by my friend. also, his show on Feb 3 was so so good.)Today Is The 36th Anniversary Of Evan Losing His Left Eye.
(I’m amazed at how this loss has turned into a superpower of empathy and kindness in my partner. loss is not always losing.)This Cracked Me Up.
(so many pop culture moments colliding.)God, I Love Cheese.
Happy Valentine’s/Snake/Salamander/Phoenix Vibes! I’m so happy we’re all here in this kid gang together on these screens.
xxo,
rachel.
I started to list all that I want to shed here, but it seemed a bit overkill as the list was growing exponentially. But I also want to emerge like a salamander phoenix! Super interesting about Evan's eye- thanks for sharing that video. Loved all the Missoula scenes. My uncle also had a missing eye and used to prank people by putting his spare in their drinks at the bar.
Have you watched The Substance???