the sale of a lifetime.

two trips to urgent care.

2008: I woke up on his mattress on the floor. This was all supposed to be temporary—our relationship included. But I hoped beyond hope it was permanent and sturdier than it looked from the outside. I was wobbly. I made it to the bathroom to pee, but was so lightheaded. I came back to the bed, sweating from the excursion from just the trip to the bathroom.

Monday: I woke up in our bed—Marcelline had weaseled her way in between us. It was almost 6am. My Peloton class started at 6. I had had a bit of a sore throat and a cough the night before, but it didn’t seem like anything serious. Five minutes into the spin class, I knew I was sick. Just that knowing feeling. That cough you can taste, that tastes like dull blood and sour meat. Sickness. My head was throbbing. I stopped my workout, had the quickest shower, and got back into bed.

When he started to rile for the day, I told him, “I think I need to go see the doctor today. I really don’t feel well.”

“Oh, well, I’m going ice climbing today. I won’t be back until later.”

We weren’t serious enough for me to feel like he had to take me. And when he didn’t offer to take me, I felt embarrassed to even ask. I didn’t know how I would get to the doctor myself, but I’m sure I could figure it out.

When he started to rile for the day, I told him, “Ev, I don’t feel good. I think I’m going to stay home today.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, babe. Is it still okay if I go skiing in the Park?”

“Yeah, just come rub my head for a while.”

He came and sat on my side of the bed, he put his whole palm on my head and started petting me like a dog.

“You’re doing it wrong,” I told him. “Like this,” and I had him put his cold hand on my fevered forehead and move his thumb back and forth over my brow. He rubbed it the right way until I fell back asleep.

I slept for a lot longer than I had anticipated. I put on my knock-off Uggs and my warmest jacket and then rested, gathering enough strength to walk to my car and start it. Everything was so hard. Everything hurt. My lower back had been killing me ever since the Halloween party where I got completely blackout drunk. When I told my friend how bad my lower back hurt, he said, “Oh, that totally make sense. You were doing a lot of dance moves that could pull a back muscle.”

I wanted to sleep for a long time, because my friend who works at the Urgent Care said that it was crazy busy in the morning and to only come in the afternoon, but I didn’t expect to actually sleep through the day. I was sicker than I even thought. By the time I was ready to drive myself to Urgent Care, Evan was almost done with his celebratory beer at Dornan’s.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come and drive you?”

“no, I’m totally fine. a little sleepy, but totally fine. ♥️”

We texted. And I was totally fine. I couldn’t help but think about the time before. The time when I drove myself from the Fairgrounds area of Jackson to the Urgent Care south of town with little recollection. How I should not have done that and no one knew I was doing that, but that’s what I felt like I had to do. This time was different than that time.

“I can’t believe you drove yourself here. You are very sick with a kidney infection,” the doctor told me after running my urine tests.

“What causes a kidney infection?” I needed to know, to know how to have this pain never ever happen to me again.

“Well, it can be a lot of things. Your kidneys can struggle from drinking alcohol in excess or many times kidney infections can start with a UTI, which is caused by not peeing after sex.”

“So I have the sinner’s disease,” I looked at her with pain internally and externally now.

Kindly, the doctor affirmed, “No, that’s not what’s happening here.”

I didn’t believe her.

“I haven’t seen you in forever!” my doctor friend Katie says upon seeing me.

“I know! I have to get super sick just to see you.”

“What’s going on with you?”

“I dunno.”

I like that all of my memories at this Urgent Care involve female doctors. Katie tells me that patients always ask ‘when is the doctor coming back in?’ referencing the male nurses. I hate that for her. For all of us.

When Katie and the nurses were gone from the room, I wanted to lay down, but I didn’t. I was almost tired enough, but not quite. If I had gone in today or yesterday and not Monday? I would’ve definitely laid down. This sickness keeps getting worse.

“All of your tests are negative—Covid, strep—but there’s so much crap going around. Try to get one of those Covid and flu tests to take in the next couple days. I’ll write you a prescription for Evan to make you dinner and Marcie to leave you alone.”

“That would be great.”

“You’re very close to being in the hospital. If you were a little sicker, I would admit you.”

“Wow, I didn’t know I was that sick,” I was telling the truth. I had never been this sick before, but somehow it still didn’t feel hospital worthy. My self-worth was so low at this point and at 23, I don’t think many of us know how valuable our body is.

“You need a shot of antibiotics immediately,” the doctor told me, with her (male) nurse standing beside her.

“How much does that cost?” I had to ask. I didn’t really have a job. I was staying on his couch for free. I was broke. This was just a couple month months before I flew to Australia to take on an au pair position, because I had exhausted my options and myself in Jackson.

“Ummm… We can check for you. I’ll have my nurse check,” they nodded at each other. “I think it’s around $200 for the shot—maybe $180?”

I knew that many pill antibiotics had been super cheap lately. It felt like something that the government was doing. The summer before last, I had been dating a strep-throat-courier-monkey of a kayaker and had to get antibiotics for strep throat TWICE. So I had to ask, “Is there a pill version of the antibiotic?”

“Yes, there is and it’s very affordable, but you need to get the shot so that this medicine is in your system as fast as possible.”

“I can’t afford it. I will take the four dollar pill prescription, please,” I said this without meeting either the doctor of the nurse’s face.

The doctor took a long pause and then said, “We’ll be right back.”

I laid down on the paper-lined table and tears naturally just started pouring out my eyes and over the bridge of my nose, splashing on the paper. I was so sick, I was so tired, I was so broke, I was so embarrassed. What was I doing here? So alone? So broken?

The doctor and the nurse came back in with a jolt and I sat right up as the doctor exclaimed, “GREAT NEWS! We’re having a sale today! One day only! Just today, the antibiotic shot is… forty? dollars?” She asked this, seeing if I could afford it.

I nodded through tears.

“Forty dollars! Sold!”

“Thank you so much. That is so kind of you,” I said, crying not so softly.

“Okay, this one will go in the buttocks so take your pants off, I’ll be right back.”

The doctor turned on her heel and left. The nurse handed me a paper robe.

“Thank you so much. I am just having a hard time right now.”

“Oh, don’t thank me. You gotta take advantage of a sale like this. I’m even thinking about getting the shot!”

I think about that time at Urgent Care a lot. It is my “the kindness of strangers” proof point. There is good in the world. We may all be okay. I think as much as I did not need to be sick right now (god, I hate it SO MUCH), I very much needed this reminder from 17 years ago. This reminder of goodness. Of growth. Of being in the same exact place, but being in such a better place. I’m so grateful for that doctor. For this life. And even though I am admittedly NOT grateful for being completely bedridden for the last three days, I guess I’m okay with taking a hit that my body can afford. I now know what all the fuss about Severance is, so I got that going for me. And here’s to hoping I have the best fever-dreams tonight in the style of Sarah Eisenlohr.

Happy Lunar New Year, loverliessssss! 🐍

xxo,
Rachel.