this is it.

you were a dizzying affair.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I can’t stop thinking about. It was so powerful that I wrote it down mid-morning the day after.

I dreamt that a woman, who was familiar, but unrecognizable (a mentor? a friend?) was showing me around her huge home. She showed me each of her children’s bedrooms. There were four children and I just kept thinking, “Wow. This woman can afford four children. This home is incredible.” I was impressed and humbled. She had tons of pets—animals of all kinds. Towards the end of our tour and time of hanging out, her kids got home. We all went out in the backyard at one point, soaking up the amazing deck and drinks and appetizers. I went inside to go to the restroom and in the home, a small animal cornered me. It was about the size of a goat, but with bull horns. It attacked me. His horns went around my abdomen and I went down. I grabbed them by the horns and tried to keep them from hurting me, but they kept aggressively trying to gore me as they had me pinned down. Their horns were around my hip bones and I my hands were hooked on their horns, trying to get them off of me. My arms became sore. I thought I might get killed; I was so scared. This animal thought I was a threat. They didn’t listen when I tried to tell them I was a friend. I tried to call for help, but the house was too big. No one knew where I was, what was happening to me, and I had the distinct fear that no one cared—I was in basically a stranger’s home. I was being attacked. I was in so much pain. And no one cared.

I swear my arms were sore when I woke up. Even amateur dream interpreters can tell I’ve been putting myself under pressure. It’s been a lot.

And yes—the outside stressors have been a lot. My mother is going through treatment for breast cancer. I have gotten COVID. My husband has gotten COVID. My baby has been to the ER twice in the last couple weeks. It’s been… a lot.

But I actually think that little beast is me. The pressures I put on myself. The tiny goals I set for myself daily, weekly, yearly. The image I want to be. The shit I want. So I am letting so much go.

This newsletter? Gone. (sorry.)

The marathon I was training for in June? Nope. Deferred.

Instagram account? Private. Do not care to cater to strangers’ critiques anymore.

I cut my own hair the other day. I would have NEVER done this in any previous stage of life. And I’m not going to lie to you—it doesn’t look great. Evan told me it looks fine. I think he might have even said “good.” He asked me, “Did you have fun cutting it?” And that gave me pause. Damn, I think I did have fun. How about that. What a concept that how I feel would matter more than how I look. It’s not a standard I’ve been holding myself to lately. I’ve only wanted to look good and feel strong and skinny and pretty… instead of feeling happy and fun and content.

That fancy lady out in the backyard is not coming to save me. Because even though she is an impossible standard, she’s not the one holding me back. It’s that little horned beast I’ve sicced on myself over and over. My hips hurt just thinking about it. My arms are sore from trying to fend him off. You gotta cool it, beast. Or I’m just going to end your existence all together.

Photo by Dylan Leagh on Unsplash

---

A Little Woo:

Okay, But a Ram + a Bull with the Fire of a Lion??: That’s my big three in astrology. I’m a Taurus Sun, Aries Moon, and Leo Rising. That little beast is me. Also, it’s Taurus season. From my Cosmic Rx emails…

“Taurus energy is concerned with practicality, sustainability, and nurturing that which needs to grow.”

The way I have been living isn’t sustainable. Practically, I need to live within my means and meaningfully love my life… and the important people in it.

---

Quick Hits:

• Jam of the Week: Lizzo – About Damn Time.

  (I feel like it says it all in the title. in the artist. I have been dancing my ass off to this.)

• Some of my Proudest Work.
  (KEXP had 6 Degrees of Dolly Parton the other day and I had the idea to get my boss’ hair done like Dolly Parton and then it happened.)

• I Love Her So Much.
  (but I keep being like, “this is so far-fetched!” “they’re jumping the shark!” and then Evan has to be like, “what show do you think you’re watching right now?” and then I’m like, “oh, this is fucking brilliant.”)

• Half-Way Through This Book.
  (came on the recommendation of a friend I used to hang out a lot with during 2012.)

• Speaking of 2012.
  (we celebrated the year 2012 on KEXP yesterday and I found that random post. it’s so interesting to remember how life was a decade ago. to remember my mom a decade ago. to remember my work a decade ago. to remember me a decade ago.)

• My New Favorite Scent.
  (I got it as a sample. it smells like seeing stars, skinny dipping, the darkest blue of wildness.)

I guess this is goodbye. You were a fun affair that I needed and really enjoyed. I hope you think of me every once in a while when someone mentions a song I love or they smell like seeing stars and you just smile to yourself, because it was such a quick encounter, but it was really wonderful.

xxo,
rachel.