this should be the best time.

so keep cool.

I think about the Five Love Languages at least once a week.

Here’s a test, if you’re interested in knowing how you best give and receive love. But I don’t like how it doesn’t tell you two different ones… how you best receive love and how best you show love.

The way I receive love is—by a landslide—Words of Affirmation. I did an interview the other day about being a writer and the journalist asked me about why I write a Substack for free? And I told her, well, first of all, I make some money (because of angels on earth aka paid subscribers), but it boiled down to I love connecting with people… it feels worth it to me… also… sometimes people tell me that my writing is good and that is EVERYTHING to me.

Poor Evan. He shows love with Acts of Service and it hardly registers with me. He’ll have cleaned the whole kitchen, done all our laundry, fixed my bike, and then I’ll be like, “Tell me I’m your favorite. Do you even love me?”

Gift giving has always been how I show people love. Even little things like making mix CDs or playlists is my way of saying, “I love you.” I love nailing a gift.

A little over a week ago was my dad’s 75th birthday. We’ve always been big Charlie Brown fans in our household, so I commissioned this amazing artist I found on Instagram to create our family as the Peanuts characters.

Roll Call: Left to Right, Top to Bottom:

Emerson (niece), Evan (lolz, obviously), Marcelline, Yours Truly.

Stella (my parents’ dog), Daddy, Momma, Ryland (brother).

Sarah (sister), Matt (sister’s husband), Taryn (niece), Madison (niece).

It makes me so so happy. It also makes me so happy that my sister’s husband (who I hadn’t yet met) was totally fine with me giving the illustrator only pictures of him with his shirt off and a Seahawks hat on.

I love giving a good gift, but I was so humbled by a gift my momma gave me for my birthday. As I told a lot of the internet. I went to Chicago in March to see Lindy West speak and get a copy of Adult Braces and get her to sign it.

And then I promptly misplaced that signed copy of the book.

For my birthday, my parents sent me a package that I was only to open in front of them. There was an antique plate that is a whole other story of inside jokes and love that I cannot figure out where I’d start to explain. But then there was… a copy of Adult Braces by Lindy West. At first, I thought, Oh, how sweet. They got me this, because I lost my copy, but I already read it.

Then my mom told me to look inside. IT WAS INSCRIBED TO ME. I was so confused.

Me: Did you call the airline?? This is a different inscription than the other one. What is going on??

Momma: Look inside the pages.

Inside the book was a photo of MY MOM AND LINDY WEST. My mom sneakily went to Book People with one of her best friends in Austin to see Lindy West speak. She waited in line and then gave Lindy the whole story about me and my lost book and asked her to sign another copy. It made my heart absolutely soar. Lindy West’s work has been such a part of my renaissance as a writer and as a woman. And she’s been that in a way that I wouldn’t necessarily equate with the conversations I’m most comfortable having with my mom. But my mom doesn’t care. She loves me. She loves my writing. She loves the people I love and she loves giving a meaningful gift. Wow. This one takes the cake.

A couple weeks after my birthday, Evan randomly gave me another gift. This candle…

I almost started crying. I dunno. Sometimes I get scared of how bad I want to write a bestselling book, but then other times I feel so strongly that my 41-year-old soul has a really good collection of essays in there that maybe it will be a bestseller. The confidence and fear go in and out like waves in a mighty ocean. And then the person I love most gives me this gift and I feel so seen and overtaken by a crashing wave, in the best way.

The most special gift I’ve received wasn’t even meant to be a gift. My mom found a piece of paper and took a picture to send to me. It was dated June 2, and I knew it was from 2007—the year I graduated from college. It was dated exactly 19 years ago from today, when my grandma sat down at her typewriter to write me a letter.

She sent that note with multiple recipes—French Hamburgers being one. “I don’t care what is used.” I loved my grandma so much. I know I talked to her after she sent this note, but I don’t think I saw her again before she passed away in 2008. So the “Meanwhile have a nice life” pulls and pushes my heart in different ways.

Jackson had seduced me. And I think it warranted fear. I had been interning at Alpinist magazine, but landed a job at the News&Guide. When I told my then-boyfriend (who lived in Salt Lake City) about how much I was getting paid, he said, “Rachel, that’s not even $25k.” I didn’t care. I loved it here. It was the best time of my life (Gram Stevens was right) and I was just trying to keep cool.

These days, I refresh Zillow almost daily to see that there’s still not a home under $800k that my family would fit in. I know my grandmother is reeling in her grave from just hearing that’s our (over-budget) budget. It really is such a lovely place to live, only very expensive.

I’m trying to remember that initial seduction of this place. The one my old Gram saw in me instantly. She saw me light up in the way where you know your loved ones are hooked on something, someone, or some place. I’ve decided that this Summer—with Marcie and Evan and a part-time job on my side—I’ll try to match the joy I found in Summer 2007. I’ll try and keep cool.

---

Quick Hits:

• Jam Of The Week: Death Cab for Cutie – Stone Over Water.
  (you know I love a millenial white dude who would’ve ruined my life on a random Sunday afternoon in college. this song might be my favorite off the upcoming album. anyone else going to see DCFC with Nation of Language in Utah on July 28th??)

• Evan Wants Us To Start Watching This Show.
  (has anyone watched it? I hate scary stuff. Stranger Things was about as scary as I’ll go. people are saying this show is like X-Files and Parks & Rec made a baby. I do love both of those shows…)

• Okay, But I’ve Mostly Been Watching/Talking About The Show That Stars This Diva.
  (there’s been a lot of fired up group texts intermittent with giggles. it feels like middle school in the best way.)

• I BAWLED Watching The End Of This Perfect Show.
  (then I cried through the behind-the-scenes. then I almost immediately watched the Euphoria series finale and also cried a LOT. so much realness in the surreal finale.)

• I Love These PJs.
  (surplus amounts of TV-watching, but make it cute.)

• LOVE A Chill Summer Checklist.
  (what’s on yours? mine, off the top of my head: 1. plant and cook with window sill herbs. 2. go camping [van camping or boat camping, preferably]. 3. bike gang with friends. 4. write letters. 5. get into birding. 6. skinny dip.)

• You Knew I Was Giving You A June Horoscope.

• Happy Pride!!
  (there has been some seriously upsetting commentary on some of Jackson’s pride articles online. wtf, Wyoming—equality state my ass. it makes me so sad, but also makes me double-down harder on being an ally. stay safe out there and start getting louder about queer rights, if you have the luxury of getting loud.)

• Excited About Getting Weird(er).
  (might get myself one of these. also, I keep finding myself watching Mariners baseball whilst also playing bridge on my phone… am I 100 years old already??)

• Me.

• Ha!

I hope you found a gift in here that you didn’t expect. Though, I get it if your love language is something different. Hopefully it’s Words of Affirmation, because I do want to tell you how incredible you are. Not just for being here and supporting me in this way, but for just being here. We all are making something together by breathing in this weird arty online air. Sometimes the air feels suffocating… toxic. But you add goodness to the air. It’s fresher with you here. Thank you. You’re amazing.

xxo,
Rachel.