How do I make it click?
No, this is not a question my toddler asks me about the television remote (she already knows that too well… DON’T JUDGE ME). This is me asking myself how to make life feel right. Before, it was with boyfriends: How do I make this feeling/this relationship click? Snap into place.
Spoiler: While Evan and I look like a perfect match on social media, THAT’S WHY SOCIAL MEDIA WAS INVENTED. There was definitely an initial “click” that kept us together, but the hey-let’s-spend-our-chunk-of-eternity-together-click didn’t come until almost two years into dating.
Some example of clicks:
I had just been in a bad ski accident and Evan gave me a sponge bath, because my arms were so sore. I tried to be embarrassed about it and he refused to let that be a thing. I remember looking at him and CLICK.
As soon as my daughter was born, CLICK. She was fused into my life. Hard click. And—honestly—her presence just continues to click into my life and feel right.
My dear friend Allison and I were just regular friends until one fated night on a living-room-turned-dance-floor when we just started dancing almost in-sync. CLICK.
I watch so many DJs find their stride in a show they’re doing. I watch them hit the right button at the right time and CLICK. They are flowing. I love watching that.
But there have been so many things I tried to force into clicking. I just want that magic feeling of being in place. An abbreviated list of things I’ve tried to make click: a job, a handful of relationships/friendships, a couple hairstyles, hundreds of creative ideas I’ve pitched, a knack for cooking, and about a dozen books I’ve tried to enjoy. It just doesn’t click. And I’m trying to be okay with that.
The new-friend click is probably my creepiest strive these days. Some innocent mom or coworker or mutual friend is talking and I’m just waiting with bated breath for them to quote 30 Rock (or The Office), drop a Beyoncé lyric into conversation, or ask me if I watch Drag Race to reply with:
Lately, I’m trying to really figure out what it takes to make writing click. Sometimes it just works and sometimes I feel like it’s so lacking and I can’t get it to come through how I want. And I want it to come through SO bad.
Why does it feel like my writing works so well on Instagram? Is it because my little fingers know that the likes are lining up? Is it because I’m so addicted to the praise of social media, my mind sprinkles something special on the words?
I hate that.
I produced an interview with Jónsi last week and he talked about making perfumes. He says he’s never been happy with a perfume he’s ever made and that kind of broke my heart. He’s never had one just click?
That’s the scary part about life as an artist—as a writer. You’re putting something down and hoping it clicks. You’re dedicating your life to something that requires a moment of belongingness… and then another… and then another… forever. What if you spend your whole life trying to push down a button that never clicks? It’s never right? It never sets in to the clicked-in position and starts playing without you having to hold your finger there?
I want it all to click. Life. Writing. Nights out with loved ones and new friendships—longstanding and seasonal. A life of clicks is out there, I have to believe. But nothing clicks if nothing’s pressed, I guess.
And we live for the clicks… because when it clicks… oh… wow.
(omg, “we live for the clicks”??? now I sound like a social media whore again. I’m not! okay, I am. but I’m not! I even deleted my Twitter… objectively the coolest social media to have.)
A Little Woo:
Happy New Year!: You’re like… again?? We had Ryan Seacrest’s New Year and then we had the Lunar New Year and now?? Well, now it’s the Astrological New Year! (it’s also Nowruz, the Persian new year.)
Yesterday was the equinox and the beginning of Aries Season. Aries are the first in the zodiac calendar. I once had an astrologist tell me, “You know how the Aries you know in your life always seem like they know everything? It’s because this is their first life and they don’t know what they don’t know. Either that or it’s a very, very old life and they’re taking another spin around life for fun.”
And I just nodded along like that was ever something I would ever have known.
Anywhoooo… It’s also a NEW MOON tonight. Which is extra reset energy. This new moon is all about confidence and loving yourself—wow, what a reset. Check out this New Moon Ceremony from The Hood Witch.
Write a love letter to yourself stating all of your amazing attributes. Read it aloud while looking in the mirror. Then, take a gold, pink, or red (these are good colors for building confidence) candle, put it in a bowl half filled with water, place the letter under the bowl, and light the candle while speaking out intentions.
My confidence has been DOWN lately. (lately = the past four years? unclear. it’s been a while.) My confidence is so busted that while I’m sharing this ceremony with you, I’m getting a little embarrassed just thinking about doing it myself. THE OLD RACHEL WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS. WHAT HAPPENED??
Needless to say, I am taking time to take the Taurus Mantra to heart:
Use this lunation as a time to bring your confidence back and to take care of situations that have been on the back burner.
Does your zodiac’s Mantra resonate?
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Yaeji - Done (Let's Get It).
(I sing this song to myself lately when I’m trying to get it all done. I love this dreamy little rendition on stress. also, if you like that song, you’ll love this one.)
Holy Ravioli Has There Ever Been a More Rachel Tarot Deck???
(add to cart… also, now I’m hungry.)Can’t Help Being Like a Goldfish.
(we watched the first episode of Ted Lasso season three and honestly, it felt so good. need this pure goodness in my life right now. but Wednesdays? instead of Fridays? fine.)Seattleites, Go See the FLÓÐ.
(and when I’m a millionaire, I will wear this scent every day. okay, maybe every-other day… what’s the point in being a millionaire if you don’t wear Tom Ford? )This May Have Just Become My Favorite Podcast.
(and I learned a new word—misogynoir.)
A Book I Just Finished is Becoming a Film, Directed by People I Loved in a Recent TV Show I’m Obsessed With.
(CLICK.)
I’m out here, wishing you the clicks of life. Hoping for the confidence that only comes with astrological power, but stays for days/weeks/months/years to come. You’ve got this. You are amazing.
xxo,