The other night, I told my four-year-old, “That was my nightgown when I was your age!” as she twirled around in this billowy flower-patterned dress with a ribbon tie in the back. These are the things I say to her now, “When I was your age…”
She has taken to that now and started questions with, “Momma, when I was your age…” And it absolutely melts my heart, because it strangely feels correct. It’s questions like, “When I was your age, was green my favorite color?” “When I was your age, did I like carrots?” “When I was your age, did I climb rocks?”
And I feel so connected with Marcelline that I do feel like she’s been with me for it all. And I want to say to her,
“Yes, remember when we were 21? And we LOVED to climb rocks? Remember? Your age was technically –13 and I was 21 and we were together when we drove my two-wheel drive Nissan X-Terra through a terrifying blizzard on I-80 to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It was just me… well, just you and me. Remember we got to the house south of town that I was living in with three strangers? I slept on bedroll I bought on-sale at Urban Outfitters with a sleeping bag and a pillow. That was my bed. That was where I laid and stared into the darkness of loneliness and wondered if I had made the right decision. Remember? You were there. When you were my age. Remember how the next morning it was –22° and it was my first day of my internship at the climbing magazine that was my whole world? But when I went to start the car, it wouldn’t start. Because it was too cold. And I just broke down and cried, believing that I had made the wrong decision. But I hadn’t. You know now that it was the exact correct decision for my life and for my heart. For our life and for our heart. Remember?”
Do you remember that, sweetheart? From when you were my age?
It’s all these moments of solidarity in my life that I look back at—from childhood to even now—that I think of when Marcie asks, “When I was your age…” I picture her with me most in those moments of wondering if I’m doing the right thing. If I’m following my bliss and my adventures to my peril or to my benefit.
Marcelline comes into our bedroom every night now. It’s one of the few downfalls from our trip to Europe last summer. At around 2am, you’ll hear her little feet sprint from her bedroom to ours. She smiles so big as she climbs up over one of us to secure her spot in the middle. The other morning, while Evan was already at work, Marcie rolled over to me and said, “I wanna move to Jackson.”
This didn’t come from outta nowhere. Evan and I have been talking about moving to Jackson a LOT for the past couple months. This is something I never ever thought I’d be talking about again. Jackson Hole is where Evan is from. It’s where we met. It’s where we married. It’s where I made so many of my closest friends. It’s where Evan’s family is. BUT it’s a rich man’s playground now. It always was, but when we left Jackson in 2011, we thought we’d be able to move back someday. By 2015, we knew Jackson wasn’t for us anymore and we also wanted some big city things in our life. We never thought we’d be able to make Jackson work financially. We never thought there were jobs that would challenge us there and also support us.
For a handful of years now, I told Evan and a couple close friends, “The only way I would ever move back to Jackson is if I had a leadership role at KHOL.” I love this station. In 2010, I started volunteering at KHOL and it was everything to me. It was the creative outlet I needed. In those beautiful mountains.
It’s my birthday week. Thursday I turn 39. My last year in my thirties. Last year, I looked at how I got here. This year, I’m solidly looking at where I’m going. And, well, I’m going to Jackson.
When we were in Jackson in February, I stopped by the KHOL station and met with Emily Cohen, their Executive Director, and just got the best vibes from the station. I love visiting radio stations. I love terrestrial radio. I love radio. But this one felt even better than visiting other stations. Emily and I talked about all the incredible things the station has been doing (under her leadership—she’s a badass) and all the opportunities they have. I bought a denim vest (thrifted from Browse N Buy) with a KHOL patch on it (obsessed with this station merch) and went on my way.
When I got back to Seattle, I sent an email saying thank you and also, “If a leadership role at KHOL ever comes up, let me know!” thinking it would be years. Emily called me the next day and started the process of creating a role for me.
I am now the Deputy Director at 89.1 KHOL Jackson, Wyoming. (eeeeeee!!!!!!)
“Moving to Jackson” was not on my 2024 Bingo Board, but here we are. Evan (my husband) went through a rigorous application process and has now accepted a job as the Oncology Nurse Manager at St. John’s Health. Housing and childcare is coming together. Our family and second family are already opening their arms to help and welcome us in any way they can when we move in early July.
I will miss Seattle like something fierce. I can’t even type about it right now, because this place (this ocean, these jumps into the lakes, these friends, this radio station, these concerts, these restaurants, this drag, this forest school, these publications, these people, these friends, these friends) means so much to me and I’m already emotionally exhausted. (also legit exhausted… do I have mono?? what is it called when you have situational mono?? like decision fatigue but times a million.)
Marcelline is so excited about moving back to Jackson. I typed “back” and then went to delete it, like it’s a mistake. But I don’t think it is. She’s lived in the Tetons before… back when she was my age.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Childish Gambino – Little Foot Big Foot.
(let me tell you, my birthday week is really delivering. I love everything Childish Gambino touches. so excited about his new album [SO GOOD] and I guess I’m gonna go to Salt Lake City to see him this fall?? wow, that’s a new reality I don’t know if I’m ready for.)
(saw it at SIFF’s opening night with some of my best friends and just loved it. I also had a moment with another White Lotus star. this time was less embarrassing, but I did loudly say, “I’M OBSESSED WITH YOU. OBSESSED.” in passing. y’all! he was so good in this film!)
Finally Saw This Movie.
(god, I loved it. and I love tennis so much. and I want more of this power-hungry, sports-obsessed female roles being normalized in movies. especially for moms! because the dads we see like that are a dime a dozen. now I just wanna go practice tennis whilst listening to this weird/perfect soundtrack. random note: in college, we got the tennis channel in our apartment and I used to study whilst listening to matches. I love that sound. the squeaking. the hitting. the grunts. the claps. the yells.)Who Is The Lucky Wealthy Person Who Will Get This Quilt?
(what a story. what beauty. what work.)When I Tell Friends I’m Starting A New Job, They Tell Me To Read This Book.
(so I started it last night. thanks for the rec, friends! will take any others any of y’all have.)This Is What I Wanna Do For My And Evan’s Going Away Party.
(where in Seattle is best for private karaoke parties? eh?)Rudy Is A Genius.
(so damn cool.)Thank God People Like Ryan Ruminate On Stuff Like This, Too.
(Evan always jokes that a chapter in my book will be titled, “I Wore The Wrong Shoes” because I ruminate on “mistakes” like that ALL THE TIME.)YASSS Abbi & Ilana & Julia.
(the caption is great.)
Hahaha Yep.
(we need more little random joys like this dumb stuff on the internet. this one, too.)
Okay, friends. It’s birthday week. What do I want for my birthday? For you to donate to my NY Marathon Fundraiser. And if you’re in Seattle and going to any of the four LCD Soundsytem shows, I want to dance with you. I want to smile and hug and jump up and down and encourage each other to follow our dreams… even if that means they take us to Wyoming. That’s what I want. I love you. Thanks for celebrating with me.
xxo,
rachel.
Don’t mind me weeping on a coffee shop while reading this. I’m so happy for your family and all the big leaps you’ve taken to get her. And that Marcelline was there for it all. Love you!
- Leigh’Ann
Love this for you slash am very very jealous!