all the eagles.
taking turns.
The morning we left Seattle, a bald eagle flew right over my head. When I drove in to Jackson, there was a bald eagle sitting on a power line post on the Wilson road. I swear he watched me, crooning his neck as I drove past him to our new home. The symbolism felt right. I wondered (though I knew) if it was the same eagle, following me and encouraging me (it wasn’t. no way, right?).
The first two weeks in Jackson were… rough. I was depressed. I am depressed? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but it’s always hard to say. I try to be open about my depression—both to my friends and strangers on the internet, but a few years ago, someone I admire told a mutual friend that I was “dramatic about everything.” It really messed with my head. I had told this person how hard things had been and thought he was a safe space for depression-talk. (lesson learned: most people aren’t down for depression-talk.) Now I always feel like I have to justify when I’m talking about depression or give it a caveat or say, “but I know I’ll be okay” even if I don’t know that.
The other morning, I woke up and looked at our newly hung bird mobile. The bald eagle was stuck. Not moving.
It was hard to watch the other birds get all wobbly and confused. They couldn’t function correctly because of that stuck eagle. I thought about the 40 birds within me. What happens when the bird that represents “a new beginning and the stamina and resilience to endure the difficulties” is stuck? What happens when the eagle that is supposed to “bestow freedom and courage to look ahead” is catatonic? It was very representative of how I felt the couple weeks prior.
I just kind of laughed, because who knows if I’m dramatic (spoiler: I probably am) and lord knows I’m depressed, but guess what? I’m also materialistic AF. And that bird mobile being here means the movers FINALLY showed up and all our stuff is here!
And I instantly became 5000% happier. AND my super talented interior design friend Allison is in town and she has been such a huge help in designing this space. (something I’m horrid at and also, yes, I will show you pictures next week, but so much is still in boxes now.) Also, another dear friend from my old Jackson days was in town and the three of us hung out, played tennis, ate dinner together, and just laughed. OF COURSE I immediately felt better.
A friend once told me that “we take turns” when I told her how much I appreciated her being there for me. A few months later, I was hugging her in the hospital while she was crying. She said, “See? We take turns.” I think about that often. In our family, we take turns taking care of each other. With friends, we take turns. So many people reached out to me last week when I was that stuck eagle who felt like they should’ve been soaring high, but just… wasn’t. We take turns being that sad eagle who can’t move and the one watching (judging?) from the post and the one soaring high on a glorious morning. Thank you for letting me be the sad eagle. I hope you are the soaring eagle. But if you’re the sad eagle, I won’t judge… I’m not that eagle right now.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Sampha & Little Simz – Satellite Business 2.0.
(wow, I love this song. I want this vibe for the rest of the summer—relaxed, vibing, and being so good at what I do and knowing it.)
This Hilarious Video Can Also Be Credited To Getting Me Out Of My Funk.
(I have watched it seven times and cry-laugh at Jiminy’s last little bit every time.)
IT’S HAPPENING.
(I think it’s so fucking cool that KEXP is about to have a woman DJ who grew up in Seattle on their most-listened to terrestrial show. ahh, it gives me chills! also, Evie is the best.)I Talked With Portugal. the Man.
(about accessibility, sobriety, and Barry Corbett.)Required Reading If You’re A Ryan Adams Fan.
(v proud of KHOL’s ED for this one.)
I Feel Hope.
(I am so happy to donate to Kamala. to support her. to vote for her. and I’m grateful to Joe.)I AM EXCITED ABOUT THE OLYMPICS.
(though I’ve heard Jackson is only interested in winter olympics… I’ll just be here in my newly not-empty apartment watching the summer olympics and eating baguettes.)Three Women Have Asked If I’ve Read This Book.
(should I?)
This Article Is TIMELY For One Of My Group Texts.
(we recently shared our random turn-ons. mine? when men cross their legs. a friend’s? cowboy hats. [hard pass.] another friend’s? real long scraggly beards. [I could see that one, I guess. been there, done that.])Drunk Driving Is Never Funny.
(but this is funny. Bozo was trying to Karen her way out of a ticket.)This Is The Current Clip That Plays On Repeat In My Head.
(😂😂😂)
Thanks so much for reading these musings that waffle between confessions and personal essays and listicles. What a weird world we create in these days. At least we’re together. Even if it’s only by clicking on a screen. Love ya.
xxo,
rachel.