I know.

you know that…

My last trip home, my dad told me something and I (like clockwork) told him, “I know.” And he said, “Right, I forgot you know everything.” It reminded me of this TikTok. (busted.) And now my own daughter is already telling me “I know” and “I already knew that.” I’m in trouble. But she is me. I know.

This past week, the sun was out and the trails felt dry. I went to the Cache Creek trailhead for the first time this year to go for a run. I parked a couple spaces down from a young woman in a car FILLED with stuff. Only her driver’s seat was cleared out. I saw boxes in there and a pair of crutches, basically blocking the passenger seat—this was her whole life in a car. But the kicker? She had a cage on the top of her car, strapped down, with a parakeet in it! Just chilling on the top of her car.

I had never seen anything like it. She sat for a beat and then got out of the car and undid the straps, took the cage off the top and put it in the back of her car. That makes a lot more sense, I thought. That bird isn’t just catching air on the top of the car whilst this lady is driving down the highway.

I came home from my run and told Evan about the bird.

Me: There was just a birdcage on the top of her car! And she was living out of her car. I guess she was homeless? And with a bird!

Evan: That is wild. But I’m sure she was moving across the country and bringing her bird with her and giving him some fresh air along the way.

Me: …Right. Yeah, I knew that.

In college, in Texas, the thunderstorms just made me so happy. As a child, I would sit on the back porch with my dad and listen to music and count the beats between lightning and thunder, while it poured all around us. The thunderstorms in college made me remember home. It was the first rain of the season and I was in love with the SMELL of it. The rain had this particular smell that made me feel so happy.

I went to my office and told my coworker how happy I was.

Me: I love the smell of the rain around here. Don’t you love the smell of rain? Especially the first rain?

Coworker (male, obvi): You know that’s just the smell of the dirty streets being dusted up by the rain, right?

Me: …Right. Yeah, I know that.

When I lived in Missoula, Montana, this phenomenon happened that I used to love predicting and then listening to. Each time a siren went off on an ambulance, there would be a few beats and then two or three dogs in the neighborhood would start howling along with it. For some reason, the quite of snow season made this sound even more heightened. I would be working on grad school homework and hear a siren down the street and then wait for it and—sure enough—the dogs would start howling. I would smile to myself—this weird little ritual these dogs did.

I was at a Christmas party at a friend’s house in Missoula, drinking a cocktail, talking to strangers, when I heard a siren in the distance.

Me: Oh, do you hear that? It’s a siren. Wait for it and I bet some dogs will start howling. It’s like my favorite thing. Oh! See? Hear the dogs howling?? And there’s another one! Isn’t that awesome?

Stranger in circle at party (female, disgusted): You know that that siren means someone is probably hurt or in danger, right? That something bad has happened to someone?

I… didn’t say anything. That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. Not even in the way where I don’t think things threw and definitely could’ve realized that the parakeet doesn’t live on top of the car, because the woman doesn’t live in her car. Not in the way where if I thought about it for two seconds, I would’ve realized the rain smell I love is just dirty streets getting cleaned. And while I recognize my EQ is much higher than my IQ, I missed the mark on both my IQ and EQ on this one.

I stared at this new friend (probably not, let’s be honest) at this party and realized this little joy of mine had been dark the whole time. I didn’t even have a response. I awkwardly turned on my heel and took a big swig of my cocktail before slowly slipping out into the night and going home in shame. Walking the cold streets, wondering if I should just lay down in the snow and take a depression nap out of embarrassment. Wondering if someone in an apartment across the street will notice me—they’ll think I’m not moving, though I’m probably snoring with my mouth open—and call 911. The sirens would start in the distance, getting closer, slowly. And, in my still semi-conscious brain, I would count a few beats before the first dog inevitably starts howling. And with my eyes still closed, knowing the siren’s cause will be okay, I smile to myself as the second (then third) dog chimes in and howls along.

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Quick Hits:

• Jam Of The Week: ellis – little kid.

  (I played this on my show this week as I talked about mental health. Ellis said, “This song is about intergenerational trauma and my hope to break the cycle for the little kid I used to be.” 😭)

• This Review Got Me REAL Excited.
  (going to see Kendrick the day after my birthday with Evan and Allison and could not be more psyched. p.s. I bought three tickets for us, so now I’m selling two tickets to the Seattle show for what I paid for them. if you wanna go, hit me up!)

• This Article About “The One” Made Me Smile.
  (to be clear: I don’t think “the one” is a thing… I could [and have] fallen in love with dozens of people throughout this beautiful life, but I found the perfect partner/teammate for me in Evan and I’m so grateful.)

• Spring Inspo.
  (also, do I want these white jeans?)

• How To Be Happy.
  (I’m great at a weird ritual.)

• Some Of My Fave Looks From Met Monday. What Joy!

  

  

  

(obsessed with them, especially these days. and these two men were perfection.)

• Mother’s Day Is Coming.
  (I am behind in thinking about my own mom’s gift… but I keep seeing mom’s wearing sweet heart necklaces and love/want them. also, I did have an epidural—duh. my birth story here.)

• YAS, RAJA.

• Love This.

Love you. Thank you for being here with me, week after week.

xxo,
rachel.