meet me in Dreamland.
by the carousel, across from the pirate ducks.
When I was young, my dad had a genius trick for putting me down to bed. He would tuck me in and then say, “Race you to Dreamland.”
Me, the competitor, would calculate how long it would take him to get to his bedroom, put his jammies on, brush his teeth, and then try to fall asleep to get to Dreamland. I had quite the head-start. I was in it to win it. Soon I wondered how we would all know that I won. (my need for accolades started young.) The winning was a big part of these races, but the most special part was dreaming up Dreamland. I would meet my dad there in my dreams and we would laugh and play on everything that this magic land had to offer. The main thing I can remember from my Dreamland was the carousel. It mimicked—almost exactly—the carousel from Mary Poppins. The one that had the horses floating off the carousel itself and into the rest of the Dreamland.
Of course, at some point growing up, I realized my dad was never racing me. My dad was pulling one over on me so that I would just go to sleep as soon as possible. He would then go watch late night TV—likely Tales from the Crypt (the equivalent to my watching Love Island after I put Marcie to bed these days)—and just unwind as one does without a child nipping at their ankles.
At some point in the last year, whilst entering into the Battle Royale that is bedtime with our four-year-old, I remembered my dad’s trick. Now when I put Marcelline down for bed, I tell her, “I’ll meet you in Dreamland.” (trying to take away some of the competition of my nature and some of the separation anxiety of my daughter.) The specifics my kid paints beyond this are hilarious… very Capricorn Moon of Marcelline, if you ask me…
Marcie: Momma, where are we gonna meet?
Me: Uhh, the carousel?
Marcie: No, the dragon rollercoaster.
Me: Okay, perfect. I’ll meet you at the dragon rollercoaster.
Marcie: THEN we’ll go to carousel.
Me: Got it. I’ll meet you at the dragon rollercoaster and then we’ll go to the carousel.
Marcie: Do you know how many minutes I’ll be at the dragon rollercoaster?
Me: Ummm… 20?
Marcie: 13 minutes.
This kid is not concerned with winning. (though, she is a sore loser.) She is more concerned with the timing of it all and the details. She wants to let me know that while she’s excited about the dragon rollercoaster (it’s our usual meeting spot), she’s not going to hang around there for more than 13 minutes. She’s got places to go and parts of Dreamland to see!
Sometimes we talk at length about what carousel animal she’ll ride on. (spoiler: it’s always a unicorn and she always insists I also ride on a unicorn.) She tells me that we can ride certain unicorns on the carousel before they have to go to their stable. She laughs when I say I want to ride the silver unicorn. “Momma! There’s no silver unicorn!” (like I’m some kind of idiot.), then she continues, in seriousness, “You’ll ride the rainbow one.”
The other night she told me, “Momma, there are candy canes at Dreamland now! Over by the pirate ducks!” (no further explanation was given for what “pirate ducks” are.)
It works. This trick that my dad dreamt up is golden. Marcelline goes right to sleep and then asks me in the morning if I had fun in Dreamland and what was my favorite part. I usually lie through my teeth—telling her that riding the rainbow unicorn on the carousel with her was my favorite part.
I hate when I can’t remember my dreams. I crave remembering my dreams more than ever. I need/want that weirdness in my life. And I know that my dreams must be wildly weird these days, because I’ve had a fever. I have Covid and this strain is kicking my ass. I have been in and out of sleep for the past 48 hours, just completely sick. (get your booster! and flu shot, while you’re at it!)
Once when I was sick as a child, I woke up in the middle of the night, sleep-walking. I had a fever and asked my mom for a piece of paper and a pen and then just scribbled lines back and forth along the top of the random medical prescription notepad my mom took home from work. My mom said that I then put down the pad of paper and pen and went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and laughed and laughed, before just quietly stepping away from the mirror and turning to go back to bed and fall back asleep.
I picture Dreamland lies somewhere between the imaginative planning sessions of Marcelline and the madness of my fever dreams of yore. It’s somewhere like Wonderland, where Alice finds madness and—well—wonder.
Recently, I’ve been wondering if The Dreamland Trick™ is doing more for me or for my child. Not because she’s getting more sleep, but because the specifics of my daughter’s imagination are so enviable. I want some imagination spring bursting inside of me like that. I’m jealous of this Dreamland Marcelline dreamed up and I cannot quiet remember anymore. I had that Dreamland once. Can I have it again? If I try real hard, can I meet Marcelline and my dad there? Can we all ride the carousel together?
What happens if we try to bring some of Dreamland into the real world… what that would look like? Or would that break something? Could our timecards and our insurance policies handle it? Or would they all look over at me as I ride into the break room on my rainbow unicorn carousel ride and loudly scoff before they threaten to cut my wages? Is there room for bigger imaginations here in this real world, or does that only exist in Dreamland? Can I even tap into it over in this realm? Still? Even at my age? Does being a mom mean that I bring more order to a life or more Dreamland to a day?
When I ask you to meet me in Dreamland, can I come too? Is there room for me in my own trickery?
Will you meet me in Dreamland?
A Little Woo:
Full-On Dreaming: There is a full moon in Pisces TONIGHT, so get on in to ya feels, girl. It’s also a partial eclipse, which explains a lot about the big emotions we’re feeling. I don’t know how to feel about karma debts being paid right now when I’m laid up in bed with Covid. (what did I do and to who?? I’m sorry!) But in other horoscopes for this full moon, it says this really isn’t Taurus’ most fruitful time and there may be some health issues, so I won’t fret my little karma-believing head off.
Okay, but the REAL reason I wanted to bring A Little Woo back for this here new(love)letter is I heard something about this time that I really wanted to share. This CosmicRx post said that during this eclipse season, we shouldn’t manifest specific things, but we should listen and look for the things the Universe is trying to show us. That hit me so hard as someone who is ALWAYS TRYING TO CONTROL AND MANIFEST THINGS. Instead, we’re supposed to listen to the Universe. Pay attention to our dreams. The subconscious. The coincidence. The connection.
Quick Hits:
Jam of the Week: Father John Misty – Screamland.
(I am supposed to be at a Father John Misty show in Bozeman right now with some of my greatest loves, but I have f*cking Covid. it makes me so so sad. but in the name of connection, I’ve been thinking a lot about Dreamland and then Father John Misty released this perfect song called “Screamland” two days ago and everything feels right. well, right in the way that it’s all coming together, but I’m not there in the room where it’s happening.)
This Writing Hit Me Like A Bag Of Sand I’ve Collected From Many Beaches.
(“Today, I didn’t hike or do much of anything but read and scribble, stoke the fire, and watch the lake and mountain change a dozen times throughout the day while always remaining steadfastly themselves.”)This Was A Powerful Read.
(I once had a significant bleed while I was pregnant that scared me to my core. I fear so much for the parents and women of this time, in the places that can’t access care easily. I fear for my daughter. I fear for my friends. I fear for myself. please register to vote.)
I Am Officially Old.
(because I secretly hate the sight of tissue boxes in our home and it drives Evan crazy, because I end up hiding the tissues. a few weeks ago, we were in a little boutique that had this and Evan was like, “yes, absolutely, 100% buy that if it means you’ll stop hiding the tissue boxes.” winning! I finally have something from this company that I love so much.)I Do Love Fall.
(it makes me crave New York. and soup. and plaid. and a good ol’ PSL. and my BFF. )I Know I’ve Talked About This Book Before, But I Finished It And It Was SO GOOD.
(it was the combination of Dreamland and fever dreams come to life in the most uncomfortable—soul stretching—way. I will have to read it every five years for a few decades, I believe.)Watching This From My Sickbed.
(I love it! also wanna dive into this and catch up on this… nothing new.)Anytime I Switch Clothes With Friends.
(😂)
xxo,
rachel.