my animorph path.

terrifying and weirdly beautiful.

I know every person is different. I know that. I know everyone’s mental health is different… I know we’re all different… but my question is… are we??

The other day, a friend told me that one of the ways her anxiety manifests is by having nausea and I immediately said, “OMG ME TOO.” Which made me step back. I’ve always been a Depression Gal™ and really identified with finally saying that out loud. But now it’s anxiety. Anxiety is RSVPing to many more parties than Depression these days and I’m starting to wonder if it’s just a part of the evolution of it all.

I’m almost 40. Does that mean that it’s time for my artsy depression of my 20s to morph into midlife anxiety about things like whether I booked the right AirBNB for a big trip. I feel like I started out as a carefree, joyful child and at some point in my late teens I took my first depression nap, because my heart was broken and I wanted to disappear for a bit and without drinking, the only way I knew how to do that was by sleeping. And then I was on a path. Like those Animorphs…

One minute, you’re just a carefree kid swimming in the ocean and the next, you’re a squid with crippling anxiety. I mean, tell me this squid isn’t anxious.

It is a journey—has been! Is it my journey or our journey? Maybe a familiar journey by all humans who just live life and have emotions and maybe exacerbated by motherhood and various relationships with substances/validation. And is this my fully-realized being—the anxious mom who gets nauseous every once in a while? Or am I just this squid right now…

Shit! That squid looks more anxious than the final squid! Fuck, what’s next?? Can a wise woman in her 50s tell me what’s next so I can get a tummy-ache about it? Just kidding: Don’t ruin the surprise for me. I love the dark pruning and moving of all these phases. It makes the journey and the morphing brighter in many ways—the beautiful parts are brighter by contrast.

I think about this morph a lot with Marcelline—my four-year-old. Can she avoid the morph? Maybe genetics will skip a generation of Depression Gals™? Because right now Marcie doesn’t give a fuuuu about anything that actually matters. (she does get very upset when her crown that is legit for a two-year-old doesn’t fit or the fact that it isn’t berry season yet and I cannot simply make our cherry tree produce fruit… but the big things? NBD.)

In Texas last week, we celebrated my little brother’s 30th birthday (Evan and him are a day and a decade apart) at Peter Pan Mini Golf.

It was a Friday night. It was HOPPING. My favorite part of the whole night was Marcie got a slow-roll hole-in-one and the whole place erupted in applause. Marcie immediately ran to find my mom, to say, “Gigi! I got a hole in one!” It was so great. Evan and I also got a hole-in-one a piece and freaked out like little kids.

(also, such a small world: Evan was like, “I think I worked the bottling line at Bayern Brewing with that guy” and nodded at the couple playing the hole in front of us. turns out: YEP. Thirteen years ago, Evan and him worked together for less than minimum wage and a six pack and now they were on a trip from Missoula and we were visiting from Seattle and we were on the same golf course together.)

We ate pizza with my family and my brother’s friends. We took photos by the birthday sign. And at the end of the night, I was talking with someone and noticed that I didn’t know where Marcie was. I assumed she was with Evan, until Evan came out of the restroom.

– Where’s Marcie?

– I don’t know!

We lost Marcie. It’s a parent’s actual nightmare. My stomach dropped. This isn’t anxiety—this is panic. I told the whole party, “We can’t find Marcie!” My dad posted up by the exit, just in case. I ran around the busy course yelling, “MARCIE! MARCIE!” Then, I heard, in her tiny voice…

– Hi Momma!

Marcie had joined a group of seemingly University of Texas bros and was playing golf with them. She had her putter in one hand and her yellow golf ball in the other hand, just casually standing there.

– Marcie! I was so worried about you! We lost you!

– I’m not lost; I’m golfing.

One of the bros interjected.

– She almost got a hole-in-one!

Marcie corrected him.

– I DID get a hole-in-one!

I half started to explain to him that she did get a hole-in-one earlier and then realized NO that’s not what we’re doing right now. I made Marcie bid adieu to her knew golfing bros and brought her back to my brother’s party, reporting her safety.

Everyone exhaled and calmed their own inward alert systems—some quicker than others. Marcelline, not on the mental health path of totality yet, didn’t have anything to recover from. Me, I’m still having anxiety about something that already happened and is fine. I think about it and I think about the scare and it scares me again. But then I think about that bro in his 20s and how impressed he was with a four-year-old brazen enough to join a party of three stranger golfers and take her turn and hold her own on the course. And it calms me a bit… or at least makes me smile… which feels like proof that my heart and my soul can morph in more way than one.

---

Quick Hits:

• Jam of the Week: Cults – Crybaby.

  (for a while, I thought every Cults song sounded the same, but this one STANDS UP AND STANDS OUT. it’s beautiful and has depth that I feel I haven’t heard from them before. [sidenote: I heard this new Bullion song yesterday and immediately listened to it a dozen times in a row, but then it disappeared from the internet all together and I’m bummmmmed].)

• Nick Drake Called.

  (it’s a full moon tonight, called the Pink Moon. speaking of darkness and shadows [my depression/anxiety Animorph], I love what this Moon Omens article says about the Pink Moon:
  

  “This Full Moon offers us opportunities to face our shadows, to gain more insights into our unconscious and our psychology, and especially into how our repressed emotions, disowned needs, unacknowledged desires, and unprocessed pain are silently driving our choices and behaviors.”
  
  and then this part:

  “The invitation for us is to trust that what is meant for us will remain, and of learning to let go when it’s time to do so.”

  
  well, I love that. maybe I’ll do a letting-go ceremony tonight! also, let’s remember one of the best ads of all time.)

• SIFF Is Happening Soon.
  (I’m excited for this film and this one and this one.)

• If I Were A CoJ House Tour.
  (a while ago, Betsy sent me a DM in regards to this post and was like, “OKAY BUT WHAT CoJ HOUSE TOUR WOULD YOU BE??” and I didn’t answer, because my brain exploded and I was like, “I don’t have time to read through all the texts I’ve sent to Allison to find every Cup of Jo house tour I’ve sent her! but then that one popped up and I was like, “yep, I’m a maximalist who loves art and those colors that’s the house I would be.” but of course I WANT to be this one.)

• I Love Researching Nail Color Trends.

  (and I love to see that “red coral” is on the 2024 spring trend list, because my fingernails will always be this color. and I got that Luxurious Tiffany Blue on my toes last week, so I feel like so much winning!)

• This Makes Me So Sad.

  (the comments are AMAZING. now that Vito’s is gone and Il Corvo is gone, tell me your favorite Italian food haunts in Seattle, please.)

• She Had Her Whole Life Ahead Of Her.
  (what a strange tragedy that you can’t deny is kind of comical. maybe not “funny”, but there’s something there.)

• Ha! Where’s The Lie.
  (I am getting so excited about running a marathon in the greatest city in the world and hopefully not pissing myself… but would anyone notice?)

• HAHAHAHAHA.
  (Marcelline asked what I used to watch when I was her age and I told her “Peewee Herman” and she just laughed and laughed, because even his name was hilarious.)

Even with the anxiety and depression that comes with a beating heart, spring feels kinda good, right? Damn, I love sunshine. And I love you. Thank you for being here.

xxo,
rachel.