the queens we wanna be. the witches we are. the ones who show up.
the confidence shifts.
I recently finished a Tarot class with Megan Skinner. One of our assignments was to choose a court card and spend time with it, studying it. In the class where we got the assignment, we talked about queens—which queen we all were.
It was so fun to hear who my classmates identified with. (who do you identify closest to??) I have always identified with the Queen of Cups. Or the Queen of Wands. Even the Queen of Pentacles! Never the Queen of Swords, though.
I’ve just never really felt like I’ve had a hold of the intellectual realm. (I mean, I did go to Texas public school.) Legal affairs aren’t exactly my jam. More from my favorite deck about the Queen of Swords.
I dunno. That just has never seemed like my kinda queen.
The need/want to be a queen comes at a young age for a girl (and fabulous queer boys). Marcelline (my five-year-old) spends her free time figuring out if she’s a princess or a queen during imaginations come to life. At some point in growing up, I stopped striving to be a queen. Prince Henry wouldn’t return my calls and I gave up on feeling royal, regal, and put together. At some point in my adulthood, I started wanting to be a witch. To have this raw power within me and to get together with a coven of friends and be okay with being dark and gritty and powerful. Finding beauty in that. But then I realized that with Tarot, being a witch and being a queen are one in the same.
These cards are ways to draw from the power within you to bring what you need to the world—this broken, broken world. I knew I was a queen/witch of emotional power. At a party with friends the other night, this conversation happened…
Katie: Anna must’ve made this salad. It’s so good. Making salads is Anna’s super power.
Me: They asked me what my super power is in the interview for my new job. That was one of the questions they asked.
Katie: What’d you say?
Me: My vulnerability.
Katie: Oh my god, that’s exactly right. Your vulnerability IS your super power.
In my head, that is the Queen of Cups. 100%. Or the Queen of Wands. That’s who I am. But morning after morning, when I did my daily Tarot reading, I kept pulling the Queen of Wands. She kept showing up. Her cold-looking face, holding her sword, looking confidently towards what she’s going for.
Every reading I did—through the process of interviewing for a new job, through quitting my job, through planning and organizing and prioritizing my mental state—the Queen of Swords kept showing up. Uninvited, I may add. For our last Tarot class, I was actually in Kauai with one of my best friend’s birthdays.
I woke up early to take the Zoom call outside before the other two queens woke up. I told my class that the Queen of Swords kept showing up for me. “She’s like obsessed with me,” I said and laughed. “Won’t leave me alone.”
I teared up a bit as I talked about confidence and clarity. How she actually understood how much I needed her energy right now. How I’ve made some major changes in my life to help my mental health, which is not—as many would assume—actually about emotions. I always thought confidence equated to being the life of the party. To smiling. To being loud. To being your skinniest. To being your funniest. To getting awards and accolades. To friends and acquaintances saying, unprompted, “Oh my god, you look amazing!”
This is always what I thought confidence was—the only way to do it. So much validation came from a seemingly superficial confidence. But what the Queen of Swords has shown me is that the confidence can be quiet. Confidence can be from deep within. Confidence doesn’t even have to be smiling or happiness. You can grieve what you thought would be whilst being so confident moving forward down a dark, unknown path. There is confidence in knowing you’re going forward and taking steps to set your mental health up for success without caring if other’s think you’re fun, hot, or talented… that is some fucking impressive confidence. And that’s where I am.
I mean, I’m still working on it. (you can still tell me if you think I’m fun, hot, or talented.) But this is the queen/witch I am right now—the Queen of Swords.
After we talked about all the court cards we spent time with, we each took time to do our own reading. Guess who showed up in my reading? I’m telling y’all: the Queen of Swords is obsessed with me. (thank goodness. I need her right now.) Here’s to the queens we want to be, the witches we are, and the ones who keep showing up, because they know you need them, even if you can’t admit it.
random p.s. Queens keep coming up just in general in my world. In Kauai, at the cutest bakery, I picked up birthday breakfast and found a single playing card on the ground. A queen! I thought, oh, this might be Allison, my friend whose birthday it was…
And then giggled to myself as I read it. Mary Read is not Allison. This queen—pirate Mary Read—is much more like Tanya McQuoid than any of my badass friends.
random p.p.s. I thought I didn’t like the ending of White Lotus season 3, but then I just couldn’t stop thinking about it, which is a sign of goodness. I’ve come full-circle. So good. BUT I did not like Lochey’s little on-the-nose “I’m a pleaser” speech in the finale… too much self-awareness… too unrealistic.
Quick Hits:
Jam Of The Week: Tunde Adebimpe – Somebody New.
(bahhhhhh… I cannot WAIT until Friday!!)This Country Is In A Devastating State, But My Friends Are Amazing.
(my Jumper friend Emily Williams bravely and eloquently talked to the New Yorker about what happens when our government cuts all DEI research funding.)
A Powerful Essay From A New Friend On The Internet.
(Ella reached out to me on Instagram after she read my latest Modern Love piece. we ended up talking on Google Meet for an hour. talking about how our stories echo each other’s and how pathetic these men are and how women [even YOUNG women] still bear the brunt of the shame and accountability when it comes to affairs.)YASSSS To The SIFF Opening Night Film.
(I love SIFF so much it makes me wanna cry when I think about how happy I’ll be to be back in Seattle for Opening Night [on May 15th] to see this film with my love and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. will I see any of y’all there?)Omg, Are You Watching The Latest Season Of This Gem?
(I think it’s better and funnier than ever. this part and this part especially made me laugh out loud.)I Bought This Dress For A Disco Garden Party 40th Birthday I’m Throwing Myself.
(is it too much? it might be too much. we’ll see when it gets here! I might be returning it. or maybe I just need the confidence. should I go shorter: like this or this? or should I just dress AS A DISCO BALL? plz halp.)It’s Evan’s Birthday Tomorrow!
(remembering how much I love who he is.)
I Found All These Funny Memes And Texted Them To My Evan, Because That’s How Old We Are Now:
Wow, I love springtime. And I love you. Thank you for being here.
xxo,
rachel.
I am trying to find JUST THE RIGHT DISCO BALL DRESS for the 40th birthday dance party I'm throwing for myself, so if you come across any more good ones, let me know!!