on regret.
rest assured there is no April Fooling in here.
I used to always say that I don’t have big regrets, but I regret the small things. I never regret big moves I’ve made. I never regretted quitting or taking a job. I never, ever have regretted choosing Evan as my partner through all things life. I don’t regret any of the big loves in my life, even if it ended in sheer heartbreak. But I regret what I ordered for lunch. I regret certain outfits I wore to big events and parties. I regret cutting my own hair. Regretting little things has been my MO for decades now. Evan and I always joked that a chapter in my memoir would be titled, “I Wore the Wrong Shoes.”
We’d be at an incredible event or a party that was going so well and Evan would look over at me and smile and I would look him dead in the eyes and with disdain that was obviously ruining my night say, “I wore the wrong shoes.”
This is how I’ve regretted… until v recently.
In May of last year, I told the whole world that I was leaving Seattle and moving my whole family to Jackson, Wyoming to work at a radio station I love dearly. I remember at my going-away party, a friend and old colleague who does not keep up with me on the internet (gasp! she only relies on real-life interactions???) kept asking WHY I was moving to Wyoming to work at a radio station.
“I’m going to help run the radio station. I’m not just going to work there—I’m going to work towards being the leader of the station.”
“Oh, okay, yeah, you have to do that. What an awesome opportunity!”
But when we got to Jackson in July, it became almost immediately obvious that things were not going to go as we hoped. By mid-August, Evan was struggling at his new job, Marcelline was sobbing almost every morning as she asked to go back to Seattle, and my job—this dream job we had all moved here for—wasn’t working out. Over and over, in my head, I said, “What have I done?”
It’s not in my makings to regret the big things, so I became so confused. All the sudden I didn’t care what shoes I was wearing or what my outfit looked like (which may be because I live in Wyoming now), but I cared that I lived in Wyoming now and I felt like I shouldn’t. Ironically, a get-together I hosted in November that reminded me of the friendships I have here and nowhere else, is the place where I finally admitted to myself and my loved ones: I regret moving back to Jackson.
Through tears, yet in a hilariously bad outfit, I told my friends how I felt responsible for the unhappiness of my family by making this move. And then I told them about all the things I had going for me in Seattle that I just cut off abruptly to move. I regretted the big stuff. I regretted not listening to TWO tarot reading friends who told me this maybe wasn’t it for me. I regretted not listening to my Jumper friend who, on a walk, as soon as I told her, said, “I just don’t know. I don’t hear it in your voice.”
Everyone tells you, “Everything happens for a reason.” And “No regrets.” I get this. I get this attitude, of course. But I had to let myself sit in—and acknowledge—the regrets of life. The big ones. I felt like it was structurally changing me and I needed to listen to that and feel that, no matter how many tears it produced.
I was so embarrassed my job wasn’t working out. I had told the whole internet. I had moved my family. I had assured my mom and dad that this was it for me, career-wise. I was embarrassed it wasn’t a good fit after all.
If Evan hadn’t signed a two-year contract with his job that would cost a lot to break, we would’ve moved back to Seattle in November. But we were forced to stay here and see it through. Life isn’t so black and white, but I have such an inclination to approach it that way. I feel like the more I acknowledge how multi-faceted I can be—both in emotions and learnings—the more I’ll be able to acknowledge that regrets are a part of life and that life is beautiful, in spite. It’s okay to have regrets, Rachel. We still go forward.
Slowly, Marcelline started loving her school, her new friends, and being near family (it’s everything). Evan took a different job within his hospital and is DAY-AND-NIGHT happier. We skied together as a family and have found so much joy in these mountains. But I was still deeply unhappy at my job…
I took off the last several weeks of The Messayist. Did I finish editing/writing my book? Did I read my friend’s new screenplay like I said I would? Did I get all my tax stuff to my accountant? Have I done all my homework for my tarot reading class? Did I send those emails to my writing group like I said I would? NOPE.
But I did quit my job, because I got another job. And for anyone who knows, they know that in itself is a LOT. It’s a lot of work and it is exhausting. I always tell people that applying for jobs is a full time job. But I did it!
Starting mid-April, I’ll be working in development for the incomparable Grand Teton Music Festival. (and I’ll still have my music radio show on KHOL on Sundays from 5-7pm MT.) I am so excited to be in music still and work with this world-class team.
When I called my mom to tell her, I started crying again.
“I’m so excited for this job, but I’m also scared, because what if my intuition is broken? I was so excited for the last job and that didn’t work out—I didn’t even last a year! I’ve never worked at a job for so short of a time. What if my intuition is broken??”
My mom waited for me to catch my breath and get a word in edge-wise before telling me, “Rachel, if everyone could trust their intuition all the time, they’d be millionaires who home-based out of Las Vegas. Give yourself some grace.”
When Evan picked me up from my last day at KHOL, he was playing this song in the car…
“You know, because it’s bittersweet that you’re leaving KHOL… and you’re going to work for a symphony!” He was so proud and it was so so sweet.
We drove to Pica’s, one of our go-to place to celebrate things in Jackson. As soon as we walked in and were waiting in line, looking at the menu that we already know what we’re going to order, I noticed what song was playing. It was Bitter Sweet Symphony. It was perfect. That little acknowledgement from the Universe that my intuition isn’t completely broken and that even though there are regrets in life, it doesn’t mean that life doesn’t beautiful things down the only road you’ve ever been down.
Quick Hits:
Jam Of The Week: Wet Let – catch these fists.
(Wet Leg is back and this song SLAPS.)Treefort Was Ah-Mazing.
(let’s all plan to go every year together, okay? more on this experience coming up.)
I Love These Illustrations So Much.
(all of them, but especially the first and third one… I need those right now.)
It’s April! Get Your Horoscope Here.
(also, haha, def no April Fools for me today in here. too much unfunny foolishness in the world right now.)Kintsugi Pottery Repair In Seattle.
(I’ve been thinking a lot about this process lately and how I wish I would’ve kept the pieces of broken or chipped pottery that meant something to me through my life. it’s so symbolic and so wonderful.)I Bought This Outfit For Spring.
(I love it. I’ll wear it often when I go to Hawaii tomorrow… omg, I know… I’m so lucky. also, more outfit inspo.)Wow, Did I Just Get A Therapy Session?
(I might print that out and put it on my vision board or at least near it. so good.)Ha.
Haha.
Thank you for being here. I’m happy to be back—regrets and all. I’m not embarrassed anymore. I love being in Jackson with my family and with my friends and with all my writing friends and with all my random friends on the internet. Onward!
xxo,
rachel.